


Hepburn Avenue

by siriuslywritten



Series: The Marauders' Map [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Sirius Black, Chaos Ensues, Drunk Texting, Drunken Shenanigans, I loathe Snape, Marauders, Multi, Severus Snape Being a Bastard, Social Media, Social Media AU, Texting, University AU, blackinnon, gay remus, jily, literally i don't know either, the marauders and the girls are students, there's a lobster called Goose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-12-30 10:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 24,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18313844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriuslywritten/pseuds/siriuslywritten
Summary: Marauders Social Media AU - basically my favourite AU ever.Imagine the Marauders all met at university - and they live together. It’s their final year, and a group of girls move in next door… you know where this is going.Ultimate James/Lily, and ultimate Remus/Sirius. Updating this sporadically.





	1. You've Conveniently Forgotten I'm Gay

**Marauders 3.0**

 

**padfoot**

***** 1 image attachment* 

 

**prongs**

what is that 

 

**padfoot**

THAT my friend

is the sight of our new neighbours 

moving in next door

 

**prongs**

honestly the quality of that photo

it could be anything

why is it so blurry

 

**padfoot**

when you’ve finished critiquing the photo

you’ll be pleased to know that the new neighbours

are female

4 of them

1 each

 

 **moony**  
****

You’ve conveniently forgotten I’m gay but ok 

 

**padfoot**

and I’m bi, but you don’t see me complaining 

 

**moony**

…

I’m not sure you understand how this works

 

**padfoot**

STILL NOT THE POINT

we should invite them over tonight

for beverages

friendly gesture obvs

also where is wormy?? 

 

**prongs**

this is an excellent suggestion

question tho

do we actually have any booze??

 

**moony**

Wormtail is at work, should be home by 7

No booze after Sirius dropped it all moving in

 

**prongs**

in what world was it a good idea

to give sirius black

the least coordinated person ever

the most important box to move

**padfoot**

well first of all rude.

secondly you’re coming with me to invite them

 

**prongs**

no can do

at the gym

but I will pick up drinks on my way home 

requests??

 

**moony**

Could have sworn I heard you moving about?

Singing ‘Glamorous’?

 

**prongs**

sirius ffs get out of my room

 

**padfoot**

THE ACOUSTICS ARE BETTER

also jem grab some rosé for this hosé pls

* * *

 

**Laydees @ no 12**

 

**dorko**

#plottwist for tonight’s plans

Our new neighbours 

Have just invited us for drinks at 9

 

**mary**

… do we know them

 

**dorko**

I’m pretty certain I know one of them from class

Remus Lupin

 

**lils**

Fun! 

is he nice? ??

**dorko**

Quite quiet tbh but the guy who came to the door

with Lupin seemed fun

Flirted HARD with Marlene

 

**marleeeeeene**

tbh Dorcas he’s gonna be so disappointed

when he finds out I’m a Big Gay

* * *

 

**padfoot** changed the name of **Marauders 3.0** to **GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**moony**

But why tho

 

**padfoot**

the gals from next door seem a riot

the cute blonde seems very fun

Marlene, I think her name is

she was flirting with me hard

going to be so disappointed when she finds out

i’m a big bisexual 

 

**moony**

Fascinating though that is

I was, in fact, there

And none of the above answers my question

 

**padfoot**

LIVE A LITTLE ROMULUS

@prongs when u getting home m8

want some rose for the shower

 

**wormtail**

bringin leftovers frm wrk

shit load of lasagne

 

**padfoot**

pete

you know I love you

but when I read your messages

in my head it sounds like your jaw

has been wired shut

“frm”

“wrk” 

 

**wormtail**

no food 4 u sirius

will b back in 20

 

**padfoot**

intensely rude

 

**prongs**

am on the bus

I have wine for Sirius

beer for me and Pete 

and some old man whiskey for Rem

 

**padfoot**

thaaaaanks baby cakes 

 

**moony**

Oh you sweet angel

Sirius is singing Glamorous again

 

**padfoot**

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

* * *

 

**Laydees @ no 12**

 

**marleeeeeene**

oi what time are we leaving tonight 

i.e. do i have time for a bath

 

**lils**

Shall we just leave here at 9?

It’s literally next door

And you have time for a bath

 

**dorko**

Don’t flood the bathroom tho, PLS

 

**marleeeeene**

um, I never do that

resent that implication 

 

**mary**

…

marls, you thrash about like a kraken 

 

**marleeeeene**

i’m very tall and i love a bath ! 

i need to shave my legs sometimes !

* * *

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**moony**

Sirius I swear to God

If you don’t stop singing Fergie in the shower

I’m going to come in there and throttle you

 

**padfoot**

kinky ;) 

you’re welcome any time bb 

 

**moony**

Grim.

 

**prongs**

hey Rem did you tidy the sitting room

**moony**

Yes, why? 

**prongs**

no reason, just thanks friend :) 

 

**moony**

Np

I moved your jacket to your room

 

**padfoot**

i am now out the shower

should any of you cretins want to bathe

 

**prongs**

I’m good, I showered at the gym

 

**moony**

I’m good, showered earlier

Imagine Pete will want to tho

Think he said he’s been in the kitchen today

 

**prongs**

poor P bear 

have chucked some beer in the fridge for you @wormtail

 

**wormtail**

Thnks m8 

just getting off the bus

walking up the road

 

**padfoot**

thrilling.

 


	2. It's a Bit Early For Class Commentary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are a fair few very British references in this, but there ya go. Enjoy!

**Sirius Black** created the group

**Sirius Black** added **Marlene McKinnon**

**Sirius Black** changed the group name to **Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

  
****

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

why did you create this group when I’m literally in bed next to you

 

**Sirius Black**

add your pals dumbass

except mary

 

**Sirius Black** added **James Potter**

**Sirius Black** added **Remus Lupin**

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Lily Evans**

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Dorcas Meadowes**

  
****

**Remus Lupin**

TF is this?

 

**James Potter**

eyyyyyyy I hear your voice from next door, Marlene

;) ;) ;) 

nice of you to christen Sirius’ bed

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

Can I remind you that I’m 95% gay, Potter? 

**Sirius Black**

and I am but a GR9 big spoon

 

**Remus Lupin**

You keep saying this

None of us are going to let you spoon us

 

**James Potter**

“95%”

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

She occasionally lets the 5% out on an unsuspecting male

It’s never pretty

 

**Sirius Black**

rem, you don’t know what you’re missing old boy

 

 

**Sirius Black** changed **Remus Lupin’s** name to **spoonless rem**

 

 

**spoonless rem**

Marvellous. 

 

**Lily Evans**

I just woke up

Honestly I feel like something has died in my mouth

Why am I asleep on your sofa

I live next door

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

oh dreamy we can walk home together

 

**Lily Evans**

If I can walk, my back is killing me

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

:( 

space in Sirius’ bed, come up

**Sirius Black**

first left at the top of the stairs

it’s a party everyone’s welcome bb

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

it is not a party but you are welcome 

 

**Sirius Black**

impolite

i offered you a drink did i not

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

yeh at 5am this morning

turns out it was a pINT of vODKA

 

**James Potter**

please do not mention that foul substance’s name

my insides are revolting

 

**Lily Evans**

I think I will remain horizontal down here if it’s all the same

 

**spoonless rem**

Anyone heard P Bear up and about today? 

 

**James Potter**

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) 

 

**spoonless rem**

What does that mean? 

 

**Sirius Black**

eyyyyyyyy

why do you think i made this chat

 

**James Potter**

Big P got lucky last night

 

**spoonless rem**

???

How? 

We did not, in fact, leave the house

Actually we all peaked embarrassingly early

 

**James Potter**

I blame Sirius’ cocktails

 

**Sirius Black**

weren’t saying that when you were knocking them back last night

particularly u remus

 

**spoonless rem**

They were aggressively potent

Surprisingly, I feel fine this morning

 

**Sirius Black**

that’s because you vomited at 11:30 you dickhead

and then immediately returned to the sitting room

to discuss the first crusade with dorcas

 

**spoonless rem**

…

I have no memory of this

And I hate myself

 

**Lily Evans**

LOL

That’s a classic Dorko move

She's gone back to sleep on the floor

Was Mary the only one who went home?!

 

**Sirius Black**

yeh and not alone ;) ;) 

 

**James Potter**

we told you Big P got lucky 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

WHAT

 

**James Potter**

McKinnon I literally heard your gasp through the wall

 

**Sirius Black**

who says that’s what she was gasping at

 

**James Potter**

oh are you naked padfoot? 

that often leaves people gasping in dismay

 

**Sirius Black**

MY WOUNDED HEART

ET TU, BRUTE

 

**Sirius Black** changed **James Potter’s** name to **brutus**

 

**Lily Evans**

Can we get back on topic

Mary and Peter

 

**brutus**

I think they went back to yours

defs not here anyway

 

* * *

 

**105% heterosexual**

 

**Marls**

do we actually know the status on Mary/Benjy

i.e. should we warn the boys 

that she’s probs rebounding with Peter 

**Lils**

When I last spoke to her it was very much off

But you know Mary

He’ll call her next week and it’ll be very much on

 

**Marls**

no judgement from me

remember when I was dating Gideon Prewett for a hot second

and hooked up with his tWIN bROTHER

 

**Lils**

I didn’t judge you for that

And I’m not judging Mary now

But y’all need therapy 

 

**Marls**

alright, just because you dated your school sweetheart

for a hundred years

 

**Lils**

“a hundred years” 

three, Marls

I was with Severus for three years

 

**Marls**

and then he turned into a raging dick once we got to uni

i really recommend switching to dating women

the common denominator here is men

 

**Lils**

Accurate.

I think we should leave telling them

And chat to Mary when we’re home

 

**Marls**

aye aye captain 

 

 

 

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**prongs**

excellent night last night lads

padfoot got to spoon someone

moony got to talk history aaaaall night

and I met the love of my life

 

**moony**

I swear you meet the love of your life every second Tuesday

 

**prongs**

and they’ve all been pointing me towards Lily Evans

an angle who walks among us

 

**moony**

Angle. 

 

**padfoot**

are you calling Evans obtuse

 

**moony**

…

That was the worst pun I’ve ever heard

 

**prongs**

don’t even lie moons

I just heard you snort through the wall

 

**padfoot**

HA. 

 

**wormtail**

mornin

 

**padfoot**

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

how are YOU pete you old rogue

 

**wormtail**

im alright

took mary home cus she was upset bout her ex

ended up sleepin on their sofa

 

**padfoot**

oh.

how thoroughly disappointing. 

 

**moony**

Padfoot! 

That was nice of you, Pete

**prongs**

not even the tiniest bit of rough and tumble wormy?

**wormtail**

lmao no

 

* * *

**  
Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Sirius Black**

FALSE ALARM

pete and mary didn’t get lucky

he pulled an Evans and slept on your sofa

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

how unbearably disappointing

 

**Sirius Black**

that’s what I said

 

**Lily Evans**

Probably a good thing

Mary has a complicated relationship with her ex

Who is often not her ex

And then her ex again very quickly

Wouldn’t be fair on Peter 

 

**brutus**

who’s the guy? 

 

**Lily Evans**

Benjy Fenwick? 

 

**Sirius Black**

i know benjy!

went to school together

 

**spoonless rem**

Of course you did

Why am I not surprised 

 

**Sirius Black**

don’t be salty remus

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

waaaaait

you’re in benjy’s “secret” dining society aren’t you

 

**Sirius Black**

i can neither confirm or deny that

 

**Lily Evans**

He literally left the roster at our house once

 

**Sirius Black**

honestly does no one respect the bounds of privacy anymore

 

**Lily Evans**

Not for posh boys secret clubs, no

I wanted to see the list of our future Prime Ministers

 

**Sirius Black**

it’s very early for class commentary, evans

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

do you wear the white tie and tails 

**Sirius Black**

why, would it turn you on McKinnon

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

absolutely, you might make the 5%

 

**Lily Evans**

Ew please stop the flirting on a group chat

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

alright mum 

 

**Marlene McKinnon** changed **Lily Evan’s** name to **alright mum**


	3. Great Mounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hoes of Hepburn Ave are back - this time it's a houseparty, and a little matchmaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone was wondering, I imagine Dorcas & Remus study History.

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

 **prongs**  
****

are we going out tonight??

i am ready to par-T

 

**moony**

God I hate freshers week

My liver can’t cope

It’s a Tuesday

 

**padfoot**

get a grip on yourself moony

it’s our last year

 

**moony**

Exactly

We’ve done this for three years already

 

**wormtail**

im keen

 

**prongs**

YES LADS

* * *

 

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Mary Macdonald**

**Sirius Black** added **Peter Pettigrew**

 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Losers at no. 10

We’re having pre drinks at ours tonight at 9

If you want to grace us with your presence

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

BYOB obviously

 

**alright mum**

And if you vomit on our carpets I’ll kill you

 

**Sirius Black**

what an invitation

i couldn’t possibly refuse

i have a lot of schnapps i bought over the summer

will bring that

 

**Mary Macdonald**

Christ

None of your cocktails pls

They made me weepy last time

 

**spoonless rem**

Yeah I actually want to leave the house this time

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

you and dorko are banned from talking about the crusades

just FYI 

 

**spoonless rem**

SORRY I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT MY DISSERTATION

 

**Sirius Black**

someone has to be

 

**spoonless rem**

Sorry, I don’t even remember what you study? 

 

**alright mum**

What DO you study Sirius? 

 

**Sirius Black**

history of art, evans

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Good lord

That’s left field

I expected Philosophy or something

 

**spoonless rem**

He never goes to class

You’d be forgiven for thinking he didn’t study at all

 

**Sirius Black**

always the tone of surprise 

then again

i am a man of mystery

 

**brutus**

yeah, in your dreams

I’m on the bus home

anyone need anything from Lidl? 

 

**Sirius Black**

can you get me some pretzel sticks

 

**brutus**

rogue choice but yes

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

have we got beer left

 

**brutus**

great mounds think alike Pete 

gonna grab some

 

**Sirius Black**

great mounds

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

gr8 mounds

 

**spoonless rem**

Great. Mounds. 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

while you’re picking up some great mounds

grab me a bottle of vodka please

will pay u back

 

**brutus**

brand preference? 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

literally the cheapest they have pls

 

**brutus**

ahh, it’s a “i’d like to go blind” kind of night

got it

 

**Sirius Black**

i’ll make a suitable playlist in that case

 

**brutus**

Bets on it just being Africa and Glamorous on repeat

 

**Sirius Black**

you know

I think I’ll call it

great mounds

**brutus**

dickhead.

* * *

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

 

**moony**

Are we wingmanning you tonight Prongs? 

 

**prongs**

who says I need a wingman?

 

**padfoot**

we’ve watched you flirt for 3 years

 

**moony**

Exactly

It's never pretty

 

**wormtail**

you’re shit

no offence

 

**prongs**

that’s because it’s not been my soulmate

it’s not been Lily Evans

 

**padfoot**

pfft

i’ll get the lowdown from marlene

 

**moony**

I’ll see what Dorcas suggests

 

**wormtail**

and i’ll also be there

 

**prongs**

lol thanks Peter

now let’s not be hasty

this is a delicate situation

 

**padfoot**

maybe we can whip out some of those techniques

that snivellus said he knew in first year

 

**moony**

Even the thought of that knocks me a bit sick

 

**padfoot**

trying not to think about it

do you remember on that first valentine’s day

when he said 

he could help moony get a girlfriend

 

**moony**

HA.

OMG.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

I’ve never taken such pleasure in coming out to someone.

 

**wormtail**

lmao

 

**padfoot**

fucker

like moony would need his help when he’s got me

tbf maybe it was him trying to make friends

he’s never hated you as much as the rest of us

maybe he thought you guys could bond

 

**moony**

Well he can put that thought back in his head thanks very much

**prongs**

is this supposed to be helpful

cus it’s not

**padfoot**

lol sorry

let me talk to marls

 

**moony**

Meet in the kitchen at 7:30 for pre drinks and dins? 

I’ll cook something

 

**padfoot**

god bless you remus john lupin

right adios amigos x

* * *

**Sirius Black**

hola guava 

*guapa

god damn

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

HAHA

hola

hyped for tonight???

 

**Sirius Black**

aye 

but I need a little favour from you

help a brother out

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

go on

**Sirius Black**

what’s the deal with evans

she seeing anyone??

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

why, you interested? 

 

**Sirius Black**

you’re the only lady at no 12 who has my heart

so no

but jem is

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

flirt.

ohhhhhh

interesting

well she’s been single since she broke up with her ex

she went on a few dates/made out with some boys

gonna be honest idk if he’s her type

 

**Sirius Black**

rude

jem is a fine specimen

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

not like that

she’s usually into intellectual guys

 

**Sirius Black**

jem isn’t stupid

he studies biology

on track to graduate with a first

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

oh god he’s one of those boys

smart

good looking

on the rugby team

got it all

 

**Sirius Black**

yeah shame he was lumbered with us as friends tho lmao

 

 

 **Marlene McKinnon**  
****

do you know

maybe Potter would be good for her

get her out of her head a bit

and they’d make a hella cute couple

 

**Sirius Black**

right???

so you’re #TeamJily?

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

if you promise to never use that hashtag again

i’ll speak to mary

 

**Sirius Black**

deal.

see you later baby cakes

* * *

**Remus**  

Hallo

Thanks for the invite tonight

**Dorcas**

You’re very welcome

Did you manage to watch that documentary?

 

**Remus**

I did!

Really enjoyed it, thanks for the link

Particularly enjoyed the bit about Charlemagne

 

**Dorcas**

Yes, my favourite bit as well! 

 

**Remus**

Do you know what the plan is tonight?

Trying to determine whether I need to be responsible for the others

 

**Dorcas**

You’re such a dad

I think one of Marlene’s pals is having a house party

I don’t know if you know her, Emmeline Vance? 

 

**Remus**

Oh she’s really involved in the Student Union right? 

Think I met her at a debate 

 

**Dorcas**

That’s the one

Absolutely no idea what her and Marls have in common

But they met through class

 

**Remus**

Tbf that’s what people say about me and the boys

Well, particularly James and Sirius

Peter not so much

 

**Dorcas**

I can imagine

Do you think you guys are game for that? 

I’m certain Emmeline won’t mind us bringing you

James is exactly her type lol

 

**Remus**

We’d be game, sure

Haha, I wouldn’t be so sure about that

 

**Dorcas**

Oh really?

Don’t tell me Potter is secretly really religious or something

 

**Remus**

Absolutely not

He’s just got his eye on someone else

You know her very well, actually

 

**Dorcas**

James likes Marlene?!

 

**Remus**

God, no

No offence to Marlene, she’s a babe

No, he likes Lily

 

**Dorcas**

Wild. 

They’d be cute tho, admittedly

She usually goes for weird and intellectual 

I’m desperate for her to date someone normal

 

**Remus**

And we’re desperate for James to date someone normal

So it seems our ends are the same

Perhaps we should coordinate on the means?

 

 

**Dorcas**

…

I like the way you think, Lupin 


	4. Amy Winehands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders attend a party. Sirius obviously gets in a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidentally posted the wrong notes last time - have now edited appropriately. 
> 
> Always play Amy Winehands responsibly.

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

  
****

**spoonless rem**

We may be 15 minutes late

James and Sirius decided to play Amy Winehands

I can only apologise

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

WTF is Amy Winehands

 

**spoonless rem**

You tape a wine bottle to your hand

And can’t remove it until you’ve finished the bottle

It never ends well

And I did try to warn them

 

**alright mum**

That does sound slightly dangerous

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

Alright mum 

remus tell them they can’t be too late

cus we want to get to vance’s house party

 

**Sirius Black**

waaaaait

emilia vance?

**Marlene McKinnon**

emmeline, not emilia

 

**Sirius Black**

;) ;) ;) ;)

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Oh god what does that mean

**Sirius Black**

hooked up with her in second year

 

**Mary Macdonald**

grim. 

Aren’t you supposed to have wine hands? 

**Sirius Black**

obviosuyl i finished first

**Marlene McKinnon**

we were talking about the wine

not when you shagged vance 

 

**Sirius Black**

gimme a go mckinon

and you’ll see how wrong you are

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

good start would be to spell my name right

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

james is done

looks like he might boak

but we’re rdy 

 

**Sirius Black**

lightweight

 

**spoonless rem**

Well then

We’ll see you in 5

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

  **Marlene McKinnon**

irate that they didn’t send a big enough taxi

 

**spoonless rem**

You did let Sirius book it

Who TF knows what he said on the phone

 

**alright mum**

We’ve just arrived btw Marls 

 

**Sirius Black**

insulting.

our chariot of fire has just pulled up

we alight with the night

and shall arrive presently

 

**spoonless rem**

…

Sirius Orion Black

What have you taken? 

 

**Sirius Black**

idon't know what you’re talking about

 

**Mary Macdonald**

omf is your middle name actually Orion

  
****

**Sirius Black**

it is

funny story about that

 

**spoonless rem**

Don’t change the subject Sirius 

You’re not like this when you’re only drunk

If you go bananas cus you’re high again…

 

**Sirius Black**

it is but a pick me up

and before you reply

i can see the look on your face because we’re here x

* * *

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**  
****

  **wormtail**

me n padfoot are going 4 more drink

need anything? 

 

**moony**

Good God don’t let Sirius buy any more drugs

I will also take a 4 of cider

 

**wormtail**

got it

 

**moony**

Cheers Peter

 

**prongs**

Ija bewr

 

**moony**

James will have a sparkling water, ta x

 

* * *

 

 **Serious**  
****

oi, remouse

where did ya get to 

pete and i are back with your cider

 

**Remouse**

Bathroom

Not feeling great

 

**Serious**

what’s up champ

too much to drink??

 

**Remouse**

Nah, I haven’t slept 

Got a splitting headache

 

**Serious**

want me to grab you some water??

 

**Remouse**

Could you? 

I’m in the bathroom upstairs

 

**Serious**

coming up sugar lump 

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

 **Dorcas Meadowes**  
****

black 

Get ur ass downstairs

Potter’s saying he can do a keg stand

 

**Sirius Black**

good god

he can barely normal stand rn

Rem and I will be there in 5

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

healso looks like he’s gonna fight Mulciber

and some blond dude who looks like Cousin It

 

**Sirius Black**

oh ffs

is the guy sort of scrawny and dresses like its 1890

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

incrediblyaccurate

Y?

 

**spoonless rem**

That’s Lucius Malfoy

Dates Sirius’ cousin Narcissa

 

**alright mum**

That big guy from the year below

Avery? 

He’s also looking shirty

 

**Sirius Black**

omw

 

**spoonless rem**

There’s a couple who’re getting to third base on the stairs

We’re struggling to get by

OH 

MY

GOD

Sirius legit just CLIMBED OVER THEM

I am MORTIFIED

* * *

**Laydees @ no 12**

 

**marleeeeene**

where the hell are you guys

sirius got in a fight with the creepy blond one

 

**lils**

Oh god is je ok???

 

**marleeeeene**

other guy came off worse

and sirius is now chatting up some kid

called caradoc dearborn

whoch is the most ridiculous name

but the boy is cute

so imma leave them to it

 

**dorko**

I’m in the garden with remus and potter

Potter just vommed in a hedge

And is shouting about how he could take those guys

 

**marleeeeene**

LOL

right omw 

 

**lils**

where did Mary get to? 

i’m inside talking to Amelia Bones 

 

**dorko**

Benjy

 

**lils**

Ahhhhhhh


	5. An Out of Season Hydrangea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was at uni, "secret" drinking societies were very much the worst kept secret, so writing from real life there ;)

**Laydees @ no 12**

 

**mary**

Sorry I lost you guys last night

I ran into benjy 

 

**lils**

Did you stay at his? 

 

**marleeeeene**

don’t worry, we all saw your cheeky make out ;) 

 

**mary**

Oh god

And yes 

 

**marleeeeene**

do you think James survived the night

remus looked piiiiiissed about having to take him home

 

**lils**

Tbf it’s super embarrassing 

And he really needs to grow up

It’s not fair on poor Remus to have to take care of them

 

**marleeeeene**

them?

p sure it was only potter who was messy

 

**lils**

Sirius got in a fight!

 

**dorko**

Yeah cus Cousin It said something super offensive

About Remus

Wasn’t unprovoked 

 

**marleeeeene**

i’ll ask sirius if James survived 

also mary if that’s you coming in rn

whack the kettle on would you

i feel like i’ll never be hydrated again

 

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon**

morning champ

did James survive the night

 

**Sirius Black**

i don[t actually know

i didn’t go home

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

oi oi

did you get lucky with dearborn???

 

**Sirius Black**

unfortunately not

he wanted to talk a lot

and then cried about his ex boyfriend 

I was looking for a cheap shag not a heart-to-heart

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

HA

did you stay at vance’s?

 

**Sirius Black**

also unfortunately not

i believe i tried to walk home when i couldn’t get a taxi

but must have fallen asleep en route

because i woke up in a bush

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

OMG WHAT

lolololololol

where?!

 

**Sirius Black**

greyfriars street

seems to have been an out of season hydrangea 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

ofc it was

fancy part of town that

 

**Sirius Black**

anyway

i’m on the bus now and feeling a little peaky

but I’ll check in on jem and let you know

 

* * *

**  
GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**padfoot**

did y’all get home ok

 

**moony**

Yup

James chucked up in Peter’s shoes when we got back tho

 

**wormtail**

:( :( :( 

 

**padfoot**

gross

unlucky pete

 

**moony**

What time did you get back? 

 

**padfoot**

in approx 15 mins

on bus

 

**moony**

Oh

Marlene mentioned she saw you chatting someone up

Good night? 

 

**padfoot**

slept in a bush on greyfriars street

so very much not

 

**wormtail**

lmao why in a bush

 

**padfoot**

i believe i was attempting to walk home

and gave up

 

**moony**

You fool

I’ll put the kettle on x

 

**padfoot**

cheers x

* * *

 

**Sirius Black**

i’m now home

jem survived

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

marvellous

feeling any better?

 

**Sirius Black**

remus made me a cheese omelette 

and is petting my hair while we watch some documentary

about the pyramids

much better

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

you’re like an old married couple

i’ll pass on that james is living

ttfn

 

**Sirius Black**

chat to you later doll

* * *

 

**Laydees @ no 12**

 

**marleeeeene**

james survived the night

 

**lils**

Excellent 

 

**marleeeeene**

sirius slept in a bush

which i find utterly hilarious

 

**mary**

HA

 

**marleeeeene**

“out of season hydrangea” 

ofc he knew the plant

 

**lils**

That boy is honestly an enigma to me

Although it’s cute how protective he is of Remus

 

**marleeeeene**

yeah when sirius got home

remus made him a cheese omelette

and petted his hair while they watched a pyramid documentary

frankly that’s friendship goals

 

**dorko**

…

Have you remembered you’re talking to your current friends?

 

**marleeeeene**

take note gals

* * *

**paddy mcpadfoot**

how’re you feeling

 

**prongulus caesar**

honestly like i might die

how was your night

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

ehhhh

had better ones

got into a little bit of fisticuffs with old Lucius

 

**prongulus caesar**

is this after I threatened to punch him

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

yeah

which btw

it’d be handy if we kept threats to a minimum in future

malfoy’s old man Abraxas is a golf buddy of my dad’s

 

**prongulus caesar**

jesus how far do your family’s tentacles stretch

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

you have no idea

i bet Lucius is back in town because the slytherin club are recruiting

 

**prongulus caesar**

sometimes I forget you are in a “secret” society

and that there are other “secret” societies

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

they are objectively the worst kept secret at uni

i told you before that you can come if you want

you just need an active member to vouch for you

aka me

all we do is eat and drink

 

**prongulus caesar**

honestly would but rugby eats up so much of my time

you can get me a ticket to the ball in may tho

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

deal

what did you drink last night btw

after Amy winehands

 

**prongulus caesar**

ugh too much

wine

schnapps

beer

more wine

vodka

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

have i taught you nothing !

never mix grape and grain

 

**prongulus caesar**

yeah the beer did me in

speaking of

i now need to vomit profusely 

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

enjoy x


	6. The History of the Paintbrush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Class has begun, but that doesn't mean the Marauders aren't up to their usual tricks.

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**padfoot**

my dissertation supervisor smells like a foot

like an actual human foot

fml

i have to spend so much time with him this year

 

**prongs**

lmao enjoy

also what heathen organises a diss meeting for the first day

 

**padfoot**

WELL QUITE

 

**moony**

Didn’t he organise it for today 

Because you didn’t email him over the summer

 

**padfoot**

ugh that’s a minor detail

and also i emailed him before the summer

but he was on research leave

so it’s hardly my fault that i didn’t reply

when he didn’t reply first

 

**prongs**

what even is your dissertation on

like the history of the paintbrush or something

 

**moony**

Yes

That’s exactly what Sirius studies

The history of the paintbrush

 

**padfoot**

no prongs you uncultured swine

it’s on the influence of the algerian artist 

Baya Mahieddine

on Picasso and Matisse 

 

**prongs**

blimey

you actually sound quite smart

 

**moony**

It never ceases to amaze me that you never go to class

And yet have the highest marks in the year

How

How is that possible 

 

**padfoot**

i am but a humble artist

 

**wormtail**

i always go to class and im doing terribly

:(

 

**prongs**

also moony where are you

i thought you didn’t have lectures today

 

**moony**

I don’t

I’m in the library

 

**padfoot**

Remus

 

**moony**

Sirius

 

**padfoot**

it is the first day

what could you possibly be doing in the lib

 

**moony**

This wild thing

Called

Preparing for my seminars

 

**padfoot**

lame. 

* * *

 

**Serious**

Remouse

old chum

 

**Remouse**

Serious

What? 

 

**Serious**

seeing as we’re both in town

wanna come to the pub with me for lunch?

 

**Remouse**

No

I’m reading a great book about Eleanor of Aquitaine 

 

**Serious**

but pls

 

**Remouse**

Do you not have work to be doing?

You probably should spend time with your research

 

**Serious**

but i wanna spend time with you

pls

i’ll buy

 

**Remouse**

I can spare one (1) hour

And I’m not going to O’Malleys 

**Serious**

yaaaaaaas

let’s go to the keys

i’ll swing by the lib in 15

 

**Remouse**

Meet you by the entrance

 

**Serious**

dreamboats

* * *

 

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**prongs**

unfortunately snivellus didn’t die over the summer

still in my research methods class

 

**moony**

I thought he did Chemistry? 

 

**prongs**

nah biochem

aka he didn’t get into medical school

 

**padfoot**

can you IMAGINE snivellus as a doctor

 

**moony**

Sirius honestly just clutched his pearls at the thought

 

**prongs**

where you guys at? 

 

**padfoot**

pub

convinced moony to spend time with me

instead of eleanor of aquitaine

 

**moony**

Eleanor would have been less embarrassing

Sirius has sent the bottle of wine back twice

 

**padfoot**

it was corked! 

 

**prongs**

lmao sirius is the only student I know who wouldn’t just drink bad wine

 

**moony**

Apparently he’s satisfied with this bottle

He’s also just ordered a lobster roll

Good Christ it is a MONDAY

 

**padfoot**

you’re the one who wouldn’t go to o’malleys

if we’re at the fancy pub i’m ordering the fancy food

 

**prongs**

you’re in the keys aren’t you

it’s not really a proper pub

 

**padfoot**

affirmative

come join after class

you too @wormtail 

* * *

 

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Did… did I just see you guys doing a conga line?

Into your house? 

With a plastic lobster? 

 

**spoonless rem**

we wnt o the pub

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

it is 4?? pm?? on a monday?? 

the first day??

also lol if remus is drunk

 

**Sirius Black**

leave remouse out of it

 

**brutus**

sirius stole a lobster

it’s not plastic

 

**Lily Evans**

What.

 

**brutus**

we were at the keys

and he wanted to set a lobster free

you know they have lobster rolls now they’re fancy

so he took one from the tub that was outside being delivered

 

**Sirius Black**

HE WAS CALLING ME

his name is goose

 

**Lily Evans**

Let me get this right

You went to the nicest restaurant in town

And stole a lobster

That you have now called Goose

WHAT. 

 

**Sirius Black**

i rang the pet shop and they’re delivering a tank TONIGHT

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

christ.


	7. Your Lobster is Scaling The Bath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goose the Lobster makes a re-appearance, and Marlene goes to the Gryffindor Club with Sirius.

**GET LIT MOTHERFUCKERS**

 

**moony**

Remind me again why there’s a lobster in our bathtub.

 

**padfoot**

i’m giving goose a soak while i clean out the tank

don’t touch him, he bites

i’ve been reading up 

i was thinking of getting him a mate

 

**prongs**

wow 

goose is an absolute charmer

 

**moony**

I was absolutely not going to touch him

Sirius he definitely looks like he can get out

I refuse to help you catch a rogue lobster

Get him out pls

 

**padfoot**

he’ll be fine

i’ll be done in 10 mins

 

**moony**

Your lobster is SCALING the bath

 

**padfoot**

OUR lobster

leave him 

he’s stretching his legs

 

**moony**

Sirius. 

 

**padfoot**

fINE

i’ll put him on the lead

 

**prongs**

i’m sorry what now

 

**padfoot**

i think it’s supposed to be a collar for a chihuahua 

but it fits round his middle

 

**moony**

I am asleep

This has to be a nightmare

Where Sirius has brought a fucking lobster into our house

And bought it a lead

It has been almost a week, how is it still alive?!

 

**padfoot**

*he

please don’t misgender goose

**prongs**

i just googled ‘what does a lobster eat’

“lobsters eat fish, or each other”

lmao goose is a dick

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon**

hi bb cakes

 

**Sirius Black**

heya sweet pea

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

u lot going out tonight? 

it is a friyay 

and the laydees are staying in

 

**Sirius Black**

criminal.

but yiss

im going to a club meeting

wanna come as my guest?

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

do i have to dress smart

 

**Sirius Black**

nah

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

then absolutely 

 

**Sirius Black**

angelic.

see you at 8;30 m’lady

* * *

**  
Laydees @ no 12**

 

**lils**

Marls are you playing the Going Out playlist

I thought we were staying in?

 

**marleeeeene**

yeh

am going out

seeing as y’all have decided to be aDULTS

going to the gryffindor club w sirius

 

**mary**

if you see benjy kick him in the balls for me

 

**marleeeeene**

roger that

hate to say this

but

have you considered binning the whole man and starting again

 

**mary**

only a hundred and seventeen times

 

**lils**

Oooh tell us what it’s like

Also you and Sirius eh ;) 

 

**marleeeeene**

lmao no

boy’s hot as hell

but very much just pals 

 

**dorko**

You’d make such a cute couple! 

 

**marleeeeene**

gorls

hord no

 

**dorko**

Do you have to dress fancy for this? 

 

**marleeeeene**

appaz not

 

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon**

this guy with the purple snapback told me his name three times

but i didn’t hear him

so i just laughed 

who am I talking to

**Sirius Black**

lmao

that’s Dedalus 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

beg your pardon 

 

**Sirius Black**

Dedalus diggle

went to school with me and benjy

everyone calls him deda

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

this place is WILD


	8. His Dad’ll Want to Send Hm to His Harem for Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' parents rock up, and Goose-gate ensues.

**Laydees @ no 12**

 

**lils**

How was the Gryffindor Club with Sirius, Marls? 

 

**marleeeeene**

super fun actually!

very chill and met some cool people

including

a guy

called DEDALUS

 

**mary**

GREAT NAME

symbol of wisdom, knowledge and power in ancient greece

father of icarus

 

**marleeeeene**

thank u Classics student

also

sirius and i grabbed a drink afterwards

and maaaaaan that kid has a complicated history

 

**lils**

Oh really? 

I thought he was a boarding school kid

 

**dorko**

Yeah he went to school with Benjy, no?

 

**marleeeeene**

yeah he did

but he also left home at 16

he didn’t tell me why exactly

“lots of reasons”

and he has a younger brother who is at uni here

and who he never speaks to?

 

**dorko**

Blimey

 

**marleeeeene**

doesn’t speak to his parents

hasn’t been home in like 5 years

 

**lils**

So his little brother is at uni here?

 

**marleeeeene**

yeah and you’ll never guess who it is

REGULUS

 

**mary**

NO. 

 

**lils**

WHAT.

As in the kid who is friends with Severus?

In the Slytherin Club?

 

**dorko**

Honestly you couldn’t write it if you tried

How come they don’t talk? 

 

**marleeeeene**

apparently regulus is really like sirius’ parents

which is frankly horrifying

 

**mary**

i kinda feel bad for that kid tbh

he’d be way more normal if he had more normal friends

 

**marleeeeene**

yeah but he’s also a little shit

remember when he spilt beer all over lils

because snape told him to

 

**lils**

Don’t remind me

It completely ruined that really cute top

* * *

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**prongs**

oi sirius

hate to break it to you mate

but walburga and orion are here

 

**padfoot**

excuse me

 

**prongs**

your parents

are at the house

 

**padfoot**

get rid of them. 

 

**moony**

We’re in the supermarket

Sirius practically threw himself behind a crate of oranges

 

**prongs**

they knocked

and your dad literally introduced himself as 

the earl of grimmauld

 

**padfoot**

why are they like this

 

**prongs**

i replied HI ORION

 

**padfoot**

HA

excellent

right we’re just going to the till now

remus is calling a cab so i imagine we’ll be 20?

don’t let them in 

 

**prongs**

righto

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Mary Macdonald**

who are the fancy pants people outside your house

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

sirius’ parents

 

**brutus**

the earl of grimmauld and his lady wife have graced us with their presence

 

**Sirius Black**

generous of you to call my mother a lady

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**   
****

What what

Sirius your dad is an earl?! 

 

**brutus**

better than that

sirius could call himself viscount black if he wanted

 

**Sirius Black**

which i very much do not

thanks all the same

 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

this is AMAZIng

also god you look like your dad

 

**alright mum**

Marls I’m coming to your room to get a better view

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

dorko’s here already

it’ll be a party

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

No offence Sirius

But does you mother always dress like it’s the 1870s? 

 

**Sirius Black**

she’s wearing the hat with the stuffed vulture isn’t she

ffs walburga

for the love of god do not let them in the house

or my room

 

**Mary Macdonald**

stuffed vulture hat

crocodile skin handbag that looks unhealthily real

 

**Sirius Black**

it is

my dad shot it on the zambezi in the 80s

and made it into handbags for my mother

his mother

and his mistress 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

…

That’s so Freudian

 

**brutus**

“that’s so Freudian”

could be the Black family motto

 

**Sirius Black**

that’d be waaaaaay better than toujours pur

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

@mary

What does that mean in English

Oh, Latin goddess

 

**Mary Macdonald**

it means “always pure”

which is grim. 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

sirius your family sounds like a cult

 

**Sirius Black**

they’re not my family.

 

**spoonless rem**   
****

The taxi is coming up the road

Wish us luck

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Oi oi the boys have arrived

 

**alright mum**

God I’ve never seen Remus look more uncomfortable

 

**brutus**

wish we had popcorn

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

did sirius’ dad??? just like formally shake his hand??

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

do you think sirius’ mum always looks like she sharted

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

HA

 

**Mary Macdonald**

im not going to

but i am SO tempted to open the window to hear their argument

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

remus looks like he honestly wants to combust

rookie error

should have gone straight inside at the beginning

can’t walk off while they’re mid argument

 

**brutus**

his mum is doing that thing posh people do

when they don’t move their mouths when they talk

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

“posh people”

Aren’t your family insanely wealthy Potter? 

 

**brutus**

#newmoney

its not the same thing

 

**alright mum**

What is moving across your front garden? 

I can’t tell

 

**brutus**

oh no. 

oh no oh no oh no

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

shit

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Do not tell me that is Goose in your front garden

 

**brutus**

i put him on the grass so he could have a walk

and i forgot about him

who knew he could move so fast????

he’s always been incredibly lazy

 

**alright mum**

“always” 

You’ve not even had him for two weeks

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

SIRIUS AND REMUS HAVE SPOTTED THE LOBSTER

 

**Mary Macdonald**

the look on remus’ face rn

he looks mortified

but also like he might just give in to the hysteria

 

**brutus**

that or faint

 

**alright mum**

Goose is getting frighteningly close to the gate

Should we chuck something?

Divert his path?

 

**brutus**

oh yeah that’ll be subtle

lobbing something out the window 

definitely won’t draw attention to goose

 

**alright mum**

I’m just trying to be helpful! 

Don’t see you coming up with solutions

Considering you CREATED this problem

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

stop bickering

remus is sWEATING

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Do you think if Sirius’ mum spots him

She’ll make Goose into like earrings or something?

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

oh god don’t say that

his dad’ll want to send him to his harem for dinner

 

**brutus**

the image of orion eating goose with a load of women

is seared onto my brain now

cheers mckinnon

 

**Mary Macdonald**

oh man the royals are getting back in the car

just a short visit to us peasants then

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Thank GOD

Crisis averted

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

dunno about that

remus is shouting at sirius

he looks rlly angry

 

**brutus**

i want to go out and explain that this is my fault

but i am frightened of remus when he’s mad

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Are they fighting about the lobster?

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

the lobster’s name is goose

 

**Mary Macdonald**

omg that did NOT just happen!!!!

 

**alright mum**

Honestly never thought Remus would be pissed enough to get physical! 

 

**brutus**

i will never forget this day

remus lupin

hit sirius in the face with a shopping bag !!!!!!

 

**spoonless rem**

WHO PUT THE FUCKING LOBSTER IN THE GARDEN


	9. And A Portion of Nuggets For Goose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little reveal about why Sirius fought with his parents and Remus. 
> 
> Also, turns out Goose like nuggets?
> 
> See end notes on this one!

**Remus**

Sirius won’t talk to me

 

**James**

yeah, cus you hit him in the face with a shopping bag

unsurprising 

what were you fighting about anyway

 

**Remus**

His parents 

They were just being such awful people

And he was just standing there

Taking it

And then that fucking lobster

 

**James**

well the lobster wasn’t his fault

that’s squarely on me

 

**Remus**

Well I know that now

But I didn’t at the time

 

**James**

also love you mate

but you don’t get to decide how pads reacts to his parents

they’re the worst

we all know that

and if he wants to just let it wash over him

then that’s his choice

 

**Remus**

God I know

This is so foolish

I should have stayed calm

What if he never speaks to me again, James? 

I’m such an idiot

 

**James**

well he’s not going to do that

cool your jets

i’ll talk to him

 

**Remus**

Thank you

* * *

**prongulus caesar**

sirius

old bean

remus is having kittens out here

he thinks you’re never going to talk to him again

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**   
****

let him think that.

 

**prongulus caesar**

c’mon pads

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

my parents are formally cutting me out of the will

and remus’ response is to hit me in the face with a bag of potatoes

 

**prongulus caesar**

what???

i thought you just existed in a happy state of estrangement

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

we did

and frankly i don’t actually care if they cut me out

who gives a shit tbh

uncle A left me his money and i don’t want theirs

but this’ll be because regulus has joined the blasted slytherin club

you know what they’ll all like

they fawn over a title

and the one thing my parents can’t cut me out of

is the fact that i’m the heir to the stupid grimmauld earldom

so they’re trying to spite me

 

**prongulus caesar**

so your dad can’t decide to make regulus his heir?

instead of you?

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

nope

it’s called the rule of primogeniture

he can give regulus all the cash and the houses 

but the title goes to the eldest son 

aka

yours truly

 

**prongulus caesar**

this is fascinating

so much I didn’t know about the nobility

 

  **paddy mcpadfoot**

so much stupidity

honestly

did they think turning up here

and telling me that i'm not getting their money

was somehow going to spur me into being a model black??

this is why second cousins shouldn’t be allowed to marry

my parents are six sandwiches short of a picnic

 

**prongulus caesar**

your parents are second cousins??

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

why do you think they look uncannily similiar?

their parents were cousins

 

**prongulus caesar**

gross. 

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

ikr

 

**prongulus caesar**

i’ve got to go to rugby training

but I was gonna go to the chip shop on my way home

i said i’d pick food up for remus and pete

want me to get you some?

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

pls

 

**prongulus caesar**

haddock supper?

vinegar and salt on the chips?

portion of onion rings, but not in the same paper?

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

you know me so well

* * *

**Remouse**

Sirius

Please talk to me

I’m really sorry

I got so angry about the way your parents spoke to you

And the fact it didn’t seem to bother you

 

**Serious**

i’m trying to nap. 

 

**Remouse**

How is your eye?

Can I get you anything? 

 

**Serious**

bruised.

no thanks.

 

**Remouse**

Oh, ok

Is Goose alright? 

 

**Serious**

he’s in his tank behind the big rock he likes

he spent all of wednesday redecorating 

apparently they like to make their tanks their own

 

**Remouse**

They really are remarkable creatures

 

**Serious**

yeah.

 

**Remouse**

Sirius I really am sorry

I shouldn’t have taken anything out on you

You were literally not in the wrong at all

Not with your parents

Not about Goose

Are you sure I can’t get you anything?

You’re probably going to have a black eye

Maybe I could get you a cold compress?

 

**Serious**

honestly

it’s fine

just

please, remus

remember you don’t always know best

okay?

 

**Remouse**

Okay

Do you think they’re serious about the will?

 

**Serious**

deadly.

but i literally don’t give a shit. 

i don’t want them or their money 

i’m biologically related to them

but you guys are my family

 

**Remouse**

Do you want a hot chocolate?

We could finish watching that documentary

The one about the woman who married the Eiffel Tower

 

**Serious**

I’ll be down in 5

* * *

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**prongs**

i’m just heading to the chip shop

clarifying orders

wormy, you want a burger

no mayo

and a portion of chips

 

**wormtail**

thx james

could u grab me a coke as well?

 

**prongs**

sure

moony you need a cod supper

vinegar but no salt

 

**moony**

Please 

And a can of Irn Bru

 

**prongs**

but of course, how could i forget the irn bru

padfoot you want a haddock supper

salt and vinegar on the chips

onion rings in separate paper

 

**padfoot**

can you get some chicken nuggets

 

**prongs**

you hate chicken nuggets?

 

**padfoot**

they’re for goose

 

**prongs**

and a portion of nuggets for goose it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone was confused, the bit about Sirius’ parents is a bit of a niche British thing regarding nobility and titles. 
> 
> Basically, you can disinherit your heir from money/estates etc., but you can’t disinherit them from the title (in this case, the fictional Earl of Grimmauld) because titles aren’t *given* like assets, they’re *inherited* by blood. 
> 
> As the heir, Sirius would get to use a courtesy title while his father is alive (in this case, again, the fictional Viscount Black). Regulus, as the younger son, would be given the courtesy title The Honourable Regulus Black.
> 
> Sirius *can* give up his title when he inherits it (aka when his dad dies), at which point it’d go to Regulus… but I wonder if he might not do that just to spite his little brother? ;) 
> 
> I thought nobility probably worked better in terms of mirroring the idea of pure blood in canon than anything else. Let me know if you don’t like it! 
> 
> If you don’t live in Scotland like me, google Irn Bru ;)


	10. Aren't You Supposed to be Mid-Shag?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius thinks Remus is dating Sturgis Podmore... so he enacts his revenge at a houseparty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slooooooooow burn. Sorry/not sorry ;)

**Alternative Chat for when Remus is Studying, thanks**

 

 **his royal highness**  
****

not being funny

i think remus might be on a date? 

 

**Big P**

what

 

**jambo like rambo**

excuse me

our remus?

 

**his royal highness**

how many other remuses do you know you bellend

 

**jambo like rambo**

alright

no need to be shirty

why do you think he’s on a date

 

**his royal highness**

so i’m in town right

just finishing another diss meeting

 

**jambo like rambo**

with the professor who smells like a foot

 

**his royal highness**

that’s the one

professor phalanges, if you will

we finished the totally pointless meeting

and obviously i am in dire need

of something to wipe that man’s scent from my memory

so i’m walking past madam puddifoot’s

you know that coffee shop?

 

**Big P**

the one that looks like cupid threw up???

 

**his royal highness**

exactly

and remus is sitting in the window with none other

than 

sturgis podmore??

and he’s wearing that shirt I got him for christmas

you know, the one with the little wolves embroidered on it

and he keeps doing that thing he does when he’s nervous

running his hand through his hair and like down the back of his neck

 

**jambo like rambo**

i actually didn’t know he did that when he’s nervous

which one is podmore again??

 

**his royal highness**

tall

super built

blond

incredibly strong jaw

 

**Big P**

is he in the boxing club?

think he does engineering

cus i’ve defs seen him in my class

 

**his royal highness**

yeah that’s the one

i don’t like the look of him

 

**jambo like rambo**

lmao

have you even met him?

also they could just be friends?

 

**his royal highness**

i said i don’t like the *look* of him

don’t need to have met him

also why would remus need new friends

he’s got us

and why would friends go to that coffee shop

i wouldn’t

 

**jambo like rambo**

you wouldn’t go if I took you?

rude.

 

**his royal highness**

well oooobviously i’d make an exception for you

 

**Big P**

are you still in town?

just done in class so can meet you 

 

**his royal highness**

yeah I’m on the bench opposite madam puddifoot’s

 

**jambo like rambo**

you’re such a fucking creep lol

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

We’ve spontaneously decided to have a party

At ours 

Tonight 

 

**Sirius Black**

EXCELLENT NEWS

do you need help with anything?

i can make a playlist

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

if it features glamorous i will end your life

 

**Sirius Black**

kinky ;) 

 

**alright mum**

I think we’re pretty set, but thank you, Sirius!

We’ve got some booze

Some weird decorations we found in the supermarket

Which actually inspired the decision to have a party lol

 

**brutus**

yaaaaaaas

altho i can’t go too hard :(

have a match tomorrow

which i hope you will all attend

 

**Sirius Black**

i’ll be there

i’ll be hungover as shit

but i’ll be there

 

**brutus**

xoxo thx bb

 

**Mary Macdonald**

yeah we’ll come watch you

marlene’s thrown up at the rugby pitch enough times

what’s one more time? 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

pERSONALLY aTTACKED

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

what time do u want us tonight

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

like 10ish?

we said to everyone else that it wouldn’t really get going before midnight

they never do

 

**Sirius Black**

marvellous

pete and I are still in town

booze orders pls

 

**brutus**

one of the big bottles of cider

you know the ones 

2 litres

 

**Sirius Black**

first off ew

secondly do you want the strongbow

or the frosty jack

 

**brutus**

strongbow I’m not actually a heathen 

 

**Mary Macdonald**

we got a load of booze, but thank you!

 

**alright mum**

Actually could you see if there are any of the disposable shot glasses?

Idk if we have enough

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

wtf no we have 120 unopened ones

how many shots are you planning on doing lils

 

**alright mum**

I just like to be prepared!

 

**Sirius Black**

y/n to the shot glasses?

we’re in the supermarket rn

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

no we’re good

 

**spoonless rem**

Sounds fun! 

Mind if I invite a friend? 

Idk if you know him, Sturgis Podmore?

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

ofc! 

i think he was in my maths class in first year?

the tall hot blond?

 

**spoonless rem**

Yeah, he does engineering like Peter

Also, Sirius/Pete could you get me just a small bottle of whisky?

The little Jack Daniels will do

 

**Sirius Black**

ok. 

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Podmore’s HOT

 

**spoonless rem**

Sadly Dorcas, you’re not quite his type

Sturgis is gay

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

goddamit

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Ugh all the good ones always are

 

**brutus**

maybe you should get in there rem ;) 

 

**spoonless rem**

Very much just friends

We met at the pub quiz History Soc did with LGBT+

His dissertation is fascinating 

 

**Sirius Black**

snoozefest 

i don’t want to hear about podmore’s diss

my playlist is on and i am feeling GROOVY

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

james is setting up beer pong in the kitchen

any1 wanna play? 

 

**Sirius Black**

en route

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

nah hestia jones has just turned up

looking BANGIN

so ya gal’s off to flirt her socks off

gotta get my game on while i’m sober lmao

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

100%

Mary and Benjy are thrashing about like a pair of eels on the stairs

So I would absolutely like to drown that image out of my brain

 

**Sirius Black**

well then buckle up baby cakes

you’re on my team

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**alright mum**

Where’d everyone get to??

 

**spoonless rem**

Well Sirius is currently screwing Sturgis upstairs 

I think James is playing some complicated game involving shots

With the Prewett twins and some other rugby guys

Pete and I are in the sitting room

 

**alright mum**

Pleeeeease tell me not on my bed

@Sirius

@Sirius

@Sirius

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Or mine

I’ll murder you @Sirius if you are

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

well mary and benjy are in hers so

if it’s mine

it’s seen worse lol 

 

**spoonless rem**

We live next door

He could have had the decency to shag in his own bed

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

How’d that happen anyway

I thought you brought podmore

 

**spoonless rem**

I did.

As a friend

He and Sirius seem to have hit it off though

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

well, hestia and I are out back if you want some air

/a joint

 

**Sirius Black**

omw 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

swear you have a sixth sense for weed

aren’t you supposed to be mid shag? 

 

**Sirius Black**

i can multitask

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

you dog


	11. Go Sportsball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has to clean up the mess he made. Is there the tiniest hint of Wolfstar?

**Remouse**

WHY IS YOUR LOBSTER IN THE BATH AGAIN

GET HIM OUT.

I WANT A SHOWER.

 

**Serious**

jesus rem

* * *

**paddy mcpadfoot**

d’you think rem is mad that i slept with podmore last night

 

**prongulus caesar**

i have no idea

but i really don’t think it was cool

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

it’s not like i planned it!

 

**prongulus caesar**

yeah and next thing you’ll tell me is that he slipped and accidentally shagged you

c’mon sirius

you planned that stunt from the moment rem said podmore is gay

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

i did the shagging, not the other way round thanks

 

**prongulus caesar**

honestly

not the point

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

well what is the point then james?

 

**prongulus caesar**

idk what the issue is

but ever since your parents were here

you’ve been manic

you’re drinking all the time

you’re high 74% of the time

you’re screwing everything that moves

podmore was a new friend for remus and now you’ve had sex with him

is he gonna hang out with rem anymore?

and actually more importantly

when are you going to chill the fuck out 

and maybe do something about the fact that you’re clearly miserable?

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

i’m not screwing everything that moves

i’m young and I’m sowing my wild oats

not all of us are in love with our redheaded neighbours

 

**prongulus caesar**

there you go again

you’re deflecting

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

last time i checked you studied biology

not psychology

 

**prongulus caesar**

also lily thinks i’m super lame

and is very clearly not interested

so it’s really nice of you to bring that up

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

she doesn’t think you’re lame!

and if she did then there’s something wrong with her

 

**prongulus caesar**

we’re not talking about lily right now

my match starts in an hour

hopefully you can make it if you’re not too hungover

apologise to remus, would you

i’ll see you after the game

 

* * *

**  
Sirius Black**

oi

are you up yet

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

i am indeed

hestia just left

 

**Sirius Black**

eyyyyyyy

good night? 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

actually super nice :)

we didn’t have sex

but she did stay over

i got her number and we’re going to go for drinks this week

 

**Sirius Black**

CUTE

you need any help cleaning the house?

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

nah it’s ok

lily gets really into cleaning when she’s drunk

she cleaned the house before going to bed

so it’s all pretty

idk where the hell she got flowers from

but 

*1 image attachment*

what more could a girl want?

coffee, crossword, croissant

the dream

 

**Sirius Black**

oh yeah rem gets like that

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

speaking of

is everything ok?

 

**Sirius Black**

why wouldn’t it be

**Marlene McKinnon**

maybe i’m reading this wrong

i know james is your best friend

but you’re always good to remus

and last night it kinda seemed like you slept with podmore to spite him?

 

 

**Sirius Black**

well neither of them are very pleased with me right now

so I’m in the doghouse

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

do you wanna talk about it?

i know james’ match starts at 12

but if you want a coffee and a chat

you’re more than welcome

 

**Sirius Black**

tempting

but i need to feed goose and get ready to watch jem

i appreciate it tho

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

well you know where i am

 

**Sirius Black**

cheers xx

* * *

**Serious**

Remouse

i’m very sorry that i slept with your new pal last night

 

**Remouse**

Why are you apologising? 

You don’t have to apologise for sleeping with anyone

It’s a free country

 

**Serious**

actually i should apologise, i think

it wasn’t cool

podmore is your friend

and I just jumped on in there without thinking about the consequences

which is unlike me, obvs

;)

 

**Remouse**

I won’t lie

It didn’t feel great

I know I said I brought him as a friend

But we went on a date during the day yesterday

To Madam Puddifoot’s

 

**Serious**

ah

**Remouse**

And I invited him because it seemed like a good idea at the time?

But then he came to the party

And you don’t have to lie to me

He’s very nice but quite dull isn’t he?

 

**Serious**

very. 

no chat. 

strong and silent and all that

but something tells me he’s not your type

 

**Remouse**

Then he slept with you

And no, it wasn’t cool on your part

But actually the bit that was shit was thinking

That maybe he is interesting

But he’s just not interested in me when there’s other things on offer?

 

**Serious**

bullshit.

podmore is boring

you are wonderful

and yeah it’s nice that he does all that charity stuff

with the hufflepuff society 

but god you’d be so bored

the sex was also Not Good™

 

**Remouse**

I could have done without that last bit of info 

 

**Serious**

sorry.

i’m sorry about all of it

i behaved like a total cad

and you’re such a great human being

podmore is nice but he’s not good enough for you

and someone like you

top of the premiership league table

shouldn’t feel shit about someone

who’s playing for a sunday 5-a-side team

 

**Remouse**

…

Did you just make a football metaphor?

 

**Serious**

i’m getting really pumped for james’ game

 

**Remouse**

Sirius, James plays rugby

 

**Serious**

go sportsball !


	12. As You Yeet Me Into the Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang plan Sirius' birthday party.

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**prongs**

padfoot

 

**padfoot**

aye

 

**prongs**

tis your birthday in but a week

what are we doing for it?

 

**moony**

Oh yes

Meant to ask about that

Also Sirius aren’t you supposed to be in a lecture rn?

 

**padfoot**

yea i am but it’s boring as shit

professor phalanges is lecturing on Georges Braque 

total snooze

 

**wormtail**

work is killing me 2day

just on my break

there r like 50 ladies at a table

and all of them either can’t have gluten or dairy

it’s an italian restaurant? 

 

**padfoot**

someone didn’t think that through

but yes

my birthday

now i’m getting into my old age

 

**moony**

You’re turning 22, calm down

 

**prongs**

‘old age’

next thing he’ll be planning his funeral

such a drama queen

 

**padfoot**

already planned that

i want to be buried at sea

a coffin in the shape of goose

and someone to play a minor chord version of GLAMOROUS

as you YEET me into the ocean

 

**moony**

You are an unbearable cliche, you know that? 

Also you will just become the food for a lot of sea creatures

That’s not exactly glamorous 

 

**prongs**

back to birthday chat lads

i’ve not got all day

 

**padfoot**

so this is a bit rogue

but hear me out

what about inviting the gals from no 12

and doing one of those murder mystery dinner party things?

i saw one online that’s like 1920s golden age themed

 

**moony**

…

That’s actually a surprisingly classy idea

 

**padfoot**

i’m going to take that backhanded compliment 

this also means that we can seat prongs and evans together

because GOOD GOD james your game has been terrible

we’ve known her for like 2 months??

 

**prongs**

i’m taking it slow!

 

**padfoot**

humans fucking evolved faster than you’re moving with her 

 

**wormtail**

sounds gd

can i be the murderer

 

**moony**

Pete you know you don’t really get to pick? 

 

**padfoot**

also concerning that you’re into killing your pals? 

but ok

moony

old chum

would you cook?

 

**moony**

Ooh yes

I can design a great menu

I’m thinking something light and fresh for starter

Let me look at my cookery books

 

**padfoot**

i will obviously be in charge of seating plan and the table

because none of you swine know how to lay a table

 

**prongs**

knife fork spoon

glass for wine

glass for water if you’re feeling weak

what else do you need?

 

**padfoot**

god you know nothing young grasshopper

clearly you never had a walburga 

to teach you to name all the cutlery for a 12 course meal in 31 seconds

regulus could do it in 27 the little shit

 

**moony**

I sometimes wonder how you came out so normal

 

**prongs**

i sometimes wonder how you can think padfoot is normal

 

**padfoot**

impolite.

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Sirius Black**

LADIES

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

YES

 

**Sirius Black**

we approach a day of great import

next week

i turn the grand old age of 22

 

**alright mum**

“grand old age”

Still pretty young, Sirius

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Oh interesting that you chose that error to pick up on

I was going to go for “a day of great import” 

 

**Sirius Black**

cretins. 

i’d like to formally invite you to a little soiree 

a dinner party, if you will

 

**Mary Macdonald**

are you cooking? 

 

**spoonless rem**

No, I am

 

**Mary Macdonald**

then we’d love to come :) 

 

**brutus**

there is more!

seeing as sirius has a flair for the overdramatic

it’s more than just a dinner party 

 

**spoonless rem**

Sirius has decided on a murder mystery party

So we need to give you your characters

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

FUN!

 

**alright mum**

Ooh! 

I’ve always wanted to do one of those!

Do we get to dress up?

 

**Sirius Black**

you do indeed

it’s 1920s themed

the character names/descriptions are lols

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

yaaaaaas i’m gonna get a GREAT dress

c’mon then

who are we meant to be? 

 

**Sirius Black**

marlene, you’re playing Toots O’Hara

“mysterious and beautiful, Toots runs an underground speakeasy… but is that the only secret she’s got?”

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

omg I LOVE THIS

 

**Marlene McKinnon** changed her name to **Toots O’Hara**

 

**Sirius Black**

mary you’re Misty Raynes

“fashion designer to the rich and famous, what has Misty Raynes got hidden up her sleeve?”

dorcas is Ginger Schanpps

“as a journalist, Ginger Schnapps has things to uncover, but what’s she trying to hide?”

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Looooooove this

Think I’ll get one of those pens that looks like a quill

 

**Sirius Black**

lily you’re Lady Bugg

“recently moved to America from England with her husband, what are the secrets that Lady Bugg wants to leave behind?”

 

**alright mum**

FUN.

Who’s playing my husband? 

 

**brutus**

lord bugg at your service

 

**alright mum**

Oh right

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon**

sneaky

you’re trying to get lily and potter together at your soiree

aren’t you

 

**Sirius Black**

absolutely.

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

ngl

idk if it’ll work

lily thinks he’s a bit immature

 

**Sirius Black**

she just needs to give him a chance

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

well, I’ll support you all the way

but don’t say i didn’t warn you when it ends in tears

 

**Sirius Black**

i love your positivity ;)


	13. Thanks I Hate It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Sirius' birthday, and the girls suddenly realise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RE: Snape - the fact that Snape is Lily's terrible ex definitely comes from my biases because idc about his supposed redemption arc in canon, I think he's awful and terrible and doesn't redeem himself. #NoSnapeForMeThanks

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

****  


**alright mum**

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIRIUS!!

  


**Toots O’Hara**

hb you big goon :* 

any plans for the day before dinner?

  


**Sirius Black**

thaaaaanks galdem!

monty and phe are in town

so we’re having family brunch rn at the 3 broomsticks

  


**Toots O’Hara**

monty and phe? 

  


**brutus**

the parentals

  


**Toots O’Hara**

ohhh your parents, james?

  


**brutus**

*our parents

pads show them what you got for your bday!

  


**Sirius Black**

omg

*2 image attachments*

they got me a really cool hip flask

and these little portable drinking cups 

and it matches the watch they got me for my 21st! 

  


**Dorcas Meadowes**

Happy birthday Sirius! 

The hip flask looks great

And that photo of the four of you is so cuuuuute 

  


**brutus**

my dad is currently drinking like a fish

it is 11am

that’s why he’s so red in the face

  


**Sirius Black**

such a legend

phe also baked me the BIGGEST cake

in the shape of goose!!

  


**brutus**

look at phe’s face when sirius opened the box

*1 image attachment*

  


**alright mum**

Omg your mum is so cute!!

* * *

**  
Lily Evans** added **Marlene McKinnon** to the group

**Lily Evans** added **Dorcas Meadowes** to the group

**Lily Evans** added **Mary Macdonald** to the group

**Lily Evans** added **James Potter** to the group

**Lily Evans** added **Peter Pettigrew** to the group

**Lily Evans** added **Remus Lupin** to the group

**Lily Evans** named the group **Surprise Pals**

****  


**Lily Evans**

Right boys

We’ve got a gift for Sirius 

But it’s a bit ridiculous 

  


**Remus Lupin**

Tell us more

  


**Dorcas Meadowes**

We managed to find these shot glasses

In the shape of lobsters

  


**Remus Lupin**

Great minds think alike

  


**James Potter**

HA.

we all had the same idea

rem got Sirius lobster cufflinks

peter got him some lobster rearing books (who knew those were a thing?)

i got him a really ridiculous shirt with lobsters all over it

which he’s wearing tonight btw

  


**Marlene McKinnon**

we’ll tell him it looks smashing

we didn’t just get him the shot glasses

we also found the hugest lobster stuffed toy

*1 image attachment*

  


**Remus Lupin**

Arguably that’s taller than Peter is

  


**Peter Pettigrew**

:(

  


**James Potter**

sirius is going to be THRILLED

* * *

**Remouse**   


I said happy birthday and so on already and

This is a bit out of character because, ew emotions

But

I know your birthday is tough re: family

I also know that we’ve had some ups and downs in our friendship recently

I hit you in the face with some potatoes

You shagged my date to a party

It’s not been great on all fronts

But I just wanted to say that I couldn’t live without you

(Even though I hate your lobster with a passion)

And I’m really very glad that we ended up in rooms next to each other in first year

Because for all the batshit insanity that you bring to my life

You really are a total treasure, Sirius Orion Black

  


  


  


**Serious**

stop it

i’m gonna cry at brunch

i’m already feeling a bit weepy because phe and i are a few shots in

but i think this might be the nicest message i’ve ever got

  


**Remouse**

It is like 11:30am?

That said

I’m drinking cooking sherry while I make the main course for tonight

So I suppose I can’t judge

  


**Serious**

you are a champion friend, Remouse

when I get home

do you want to watch that documentary about lions

before we decorate for tonight

  


**Remouse**

That’s me, just trying to be a good friend

And yes

I baked brownies

  


**Serious**

YAS KWEEN.

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon**   


what time do you want us tonight??

  


**Sirius Black**

7

rem is making cocktails

dinner at 8

  


**Marlene McKinnon**

thank god it’s him and not you making them

  


**Sirius Black**

it is my actual goddamn day of birth

can sOMEONE appreciate me for oNCE

  


**Marlene McKinnon**

oh pfffft

remus is cooking you a four course meal for your birthday

i’d say you’re pretty appreciated

  


**Sirius Black**

it smells AMAZING

we’re currently watching a documentary about lions

and eating brownies rem made

  


**Marlene McKinnon**

lemme guess

he’s petting your hair again

  


**Sirius Black**

ofc?

rem always pets my hair when we watch documentaries?

* * *

**Laydees @ no 12**   


****

****

****  


**marleeeeene**

gang

  


**dorko**

Marlene

  


**marleeeeene**

i have a theory i need to run by you

  


**lils**

Well I’m all ears

  


**mary**

shoot

  


**marleeeeene**

do you ever get the vibe

that sirius and remus really ought to be more than friends

  


**lils**

THANK GOD SOMEONE ELSE SAID IT

Dorcas and I were talking about this after the party

Way back in October

When Sirius shagged Podmore

  


**marleeeeene**

omg no way!!

that’s when i clocked it

sirius defs slept with podmore to spite remus

  


**lils**

More than that tho

I’m convinced Remus brought Podmore to make Sirius jealous

He was incredibly boring 

And Remus kept looking to see what Sirius thought all night

  


**mary**   


do you think?

i can see sirius sleeping with sturgis to get him away from remus

idk if remus is the type to get manipulative tho

  


**marleeeeene**

???

are you joking

OF COURSE he’s the type to get manipulative

sirius doesn’t have a subtle bone in his body

and remus knows that 

he can’t do things that make sirius THINK about their relationship

he has to do things that make him FEEL

  


**dorko**

Marlene Joan McKinnon

When did you get this emotionally sophisticated?

What has Hestia done to you? 

  


**marleeeeene**

oh ha ha 

do you think james knows? 

  


**lils**

Absolutely not

James is an emotional idiot

  


**dorko**

Don’t be so hard on James, Lily

He’s really nice 

You’re always saying how stupid he is

He’s really smart you know

  


**lils**

Ugh I’m sorry

He’s just really immature

All he cares about is getting drunk?

And showing off? 

  


**mary**

honey

james isn’t immature

he’s just unashamedly himself

i think you’re just not used to boys who don’t spend their whole lives

constructing weirdly indie intellectual personas for themselves

and then slut shaming you because you wanted to just be a normal person

  


**lils**

If this is another dig at my relationship with Sev

Then I get it

He’s a tool

  


**marleeeeene**

tool is such a polite way of putting it

  


**dorko**

I agree with Mary

James isn’t immature 

Hot headed and a bit arrogant maybe

  


**mary**

also we’re not trying to be dicks about Sev

we just want you to be happy

and you’ve spent a long time waiting on Sev

or someone who’s basically Sev 2.0

to give you the apology you deserve

but it’s not gonna happen

  


**lils**

I know 

You’re all right of course

It’s just crap

It’s been literally YEARS since I dumped him

  


**marleeeeene**   


but we get it!

you were together for what, 3 years?

and then you get to uni

and he calls you all kinds of awful things because you want to make friends and have fun

you dump him

and he spends the next year spreading vile rumours about you?

ofcourse that’s going to have an impact?

  


**dorko**

And not to #NotAllMen this situ

But there’s plenty wrong with the boys next door

Without us projecting your history with Sev onto them

  


**marleeeeene**

i’d really love us to stop calling him “sev”

call him snape

  


**lils**

There is literally nothing good about the name Severus

  


**marleeeeeene**

thank GOD you never had sex with him

can you imagine screaming SEVERUS in bed?

  


**dorko**

Objectively disgusting. 

And your couple name was Sily. 

Which tells you everything. 

  


**lils**

Lololol so true

  


**marleeeeene**   


speaking of

what the hell would sirius and remus’ couple name be? 

first names don’t work

because they have the same ending

  


**lils**

Sirirem

Remsiri

??

  


**marleeeeene**

thanks i hate it

  


**dorko**

Can’t even do surnames

It’s either Lack

Or Blupin

  


**lils**

Blupin sounds like blooper

What a terrible omen

  


**mary**

not to remind you that i study Latin

but lupin means wolf

and seeing as sirius is a constellation

what about wolfstar?

  


**marleeeeeene** set the group name to **OPERATION WOLFSTAR**


	14. Hams Instead of Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little post-party chat. The girls talk to James about Operation Wolfstar.

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**prongs**

i keep getting flashbacks to last night

and i think I’d like to be fired into the sun

 

**padfoot**

what the fuck happened 

i have never seen you flirt worse

 

**prongs**

i panicked! 

 

**padfoot**

you spilt wine in lily’s lap??

and then tried to wipe it up??

and snorted your own wine out your nose during dessert??

 

**prongs**

in my defence

marlene had just said something very funny

 

**padfoot**

jesus take the wheel

i am so egregiously hungover 

my face feels like it’s going to fall off

 

**moony**

GOD SAME

WHY DID WE DRINK SO MUCH

 

**prongs**

can you stop text shouting

it’s making me nauseous

 

**moony**

Sorry

The murder mystery was great tho

 

**prongs**

yeah 10/10

really enjoyed

funny that pete did actually end up being the murderer

 

**moony**

Right? 

Where is Pete anyway?

 

**prongs**

p sure he had work today

unlucky bugger

 

**padfoot**

i had those really weird drunk dreams last night

you know when your brain is like

excuse me

but have you ever thought about what might happen

if you had to climb Everest 

but you have hams instead of hands??

 

**moony**

Well, not that specific one, no

 

**prongs**

yes!!

i once had to stop some weird disease

with only the help of my chem professor slughorn

but he kept turning into an armchair?

 

**padfoot**

literally so unhelpful horace

 

**moony**

What is that sloshing sound?

 

**padfoot**

i’m running a bath for me and goose

 

**moony**

I can’t even begin to tell you how unsanitary that is.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Marlene McKinnon** created the group

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Lily Evans**

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Dorcas Meadowes**

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Mary Macdonald**

**Marlene McKinnon** added **James Potter**

 

**James Potter**

was i added to this accidentally lol

 

**Lily Evans**

Quite on purpose, actually

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

yeaaah

we need to talk to you about sirius’ party last night

 

**Mary Macdonald**

frankly I’m shocked you’ve not noticed already

 

**James Potter**

noticed what???

 

**Lily Evans**

Your best friends are in love with each other? 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

like reaaaally in love with each other

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

And clearly have been for a long time

 

**James Potter**

tf?

remus and peter? 

surely not

pete’s not gay?

**Marlene McKinnon**

no you dipstick

remus and sirius 

**James Potter**

hahahahaaa

this is a joke right?

remus would NEVER go near sirius

he thinks he’s riddled with stds

 

**Lily Evans**

James

Sirius punched someone for insulting Remus

Remus gets all cold with Sirius

Whenever he hooks up with someone else 

 

**Marlene McKinnon** changed the group name to **dipstick(dot)com**

  
****

**Marlene McKinnon**

also sirius is hella protective of remus

stays up with him when he can’t sleep

calls him his “remouse”

mind that time he shagged podmore so he wouldn’t hook up with remus?

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Remus looks at Sirius like he’s the only person in the room

ALL. THE. TIME. 

Last night he was just watching him over dinner constantly

He barely ate

 

**Mary Macdonald**

and will defend him to the death

 

**Lily Evans**

And Sirius looks at Remus like he’s the one thing he can’t have

And like he’s the one person he cares about impressing

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

and any time sirius does something

he looks to see if remus approves

 

 

**James Potter**

…

well shit

how the hell did you notice this

* * *

**James**

oi pete

 

**Peter**

yh? 

 

**James**

no. 12 just messaged me

they think remus and sirius like each other

 

**Peter**

yh?

 

**James**

no don’t send me that again

read what I wrote

**Peter**

i thought everyone knew? 

 

**James**

wait they TOLD you?!?!?!

 

**Peter**

no its obvious

remus lvs sirius

cus he takes care of him

sirius lvs remus

cus he’s the only one sirius rlly cares bout impressin

and remus bought sirius lobster cufflinks

even tho he hates goose

 

**James**

well shit

* * *

**dipstick(dot)com**

**James Potter**

pete agrees with you

 

**Dorcas Meadowes** added **Peter Pettigrew** to the group

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

alright girls

 

**Lily Evans**

Hey Peter 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

we’re speaking the truth

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

They literally only have eyes for each other 

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

i honestly thought every1 knew??

 

**James Potter**

WELL CLEARLY NOT PETER

why did you never say???

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

idk

didn’t seem like my place

and remus dated edgar bones for first year remember?

 

**Lily Evans**

Did he really?

I’m good friends with Edgar’s twin sister, Amelia

 

**James Potter**

yeh but edgar broke remus’ heart

he is not in our bueno books

 

**Mary Macdonald**

honestly this university is like 4 degrees of separation

  
****

**James Potter**

anyway

i’ll have to message you later

goose just bit sirius really hard

and I think he might need stitches?

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Wild suggestion

But I think you need to get rid of the lobster


	15. Um Wow Bin Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene reveals to Sirius that Lily used to date Snape... and we see the gang react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Lily seems like a bit of a dick at the moment, but promise I have a well-thought-out (ish) redemption arc!

**Marlene McKinnon**

hey are you up 

 

**Sirius Black**

is this you sliding into my DMs

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

no you melon i just really need to talk to someone

and you’re incapable of judgement 

 

**Sirius Black**

very true, I reserve my judgement for only the worst characters

so fire away honey bun

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

ugh lily and I had a fight

and I know I need to apologise

cus I was a dick

but i really don’t want to?

 

**Sirius Black**

gotta give me a few more deets here Miss M

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

fINE

lily had this boyfriend from school

came to uni together 

had a whole thing about them not having sex

were together all of first semester 

until he called her a slut for wearing short skirts

and going out with her friends

 

**Sirius Black**

um wow bin him

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

right???

well she did break up with him 

but she’s always been a bit ~touchy about the subject

you know the deal

she can tease us about relationships

but u can’t mention it AT ALL

 

**Sirius Black**

know the deal yes

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

well tonight at dinner we were talking about u guys

and how we should have u over for dinner

lily made this comment about how u and i shouldn’t sit together

bcus we’d end up sleeping together and chalking it up to the 5%

so i snapped back that at least I wasn’t still hung up

on my school boyfriend

and she just stormed out the room 

but i guess it touched a nerve with me

for ages I thought I liked guys

and then i thought i liked girls

but i’ve just been really unsure about my sexuality recently 

and it just felt really shit to be called out like that

 

**Sirius Black**

hmm

well first off it’s not cool of lily to be that way

secondly you are a pal but i won’t lie

you’re very beautiful and smart and funny

and that’s not me coming on to you

that’s me saying that any guy would be lucky to have your interest

so OBVS any man sitting near you is going to be blown away by you

but THIRDLY

and most importantly

you get to define yourself

not lily

not your past relationships

just you

and you don’t have to have a label for it

you can just be marlene and that’s ok

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

you think?

 

**Sirius Black**

ofc

wanna know something? 

i left home when I was 16 because of my sexuality

my parents are very old school catholics

you’ve seen the psychopaths

ended up living w my uncle alphard

because my mother can’t bear the thought of having a not-straight son 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

wait seriously?

sirius

!

 

**Sirius Black**

honestly it’s ok

uncle A died first year of uni

but now i have the boys

and I go to james’ for christmas and the summer and stuff

but i get it

It can be lonely trying to work things out

especially when all around you people seem to just ~know

and maybe you’re not sure or you don’t know if the labels really work for you

it’s ok to just do it your way 

for ages i used to joke that i wasn’t bi

i was just uninhibited 

so it’s taken me a while to settle on a way to describe myself

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

i’ve just been sitting in my room crying about it

like a massive melt

but I can’t help it

 

**Sirius Black**

babe :( 

you wanna come cuddle?

rem just made hot choc and we’re gonna watch Star Wars

no funny business

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

isn’t it very late to be doing that 

 

**Sirius Black**

remus can’t sleep

so I’m staying up with him

**Marlene McKinnon**

u QT

is James around? 

he’ll ask questions and obvs take lily’s side

 

**Sirius Black**

nah he’s gone to bed already 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

then i’ll be over in 10

**Sirius Black**

rem wants to know if u want cream and marshmallows

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

yes pls :) 

* * *

**  
Marlene McKinnon** created the group

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Sirius Black**

**Marlene McKinnon** added **Remus Lupin**

  
****

**Marlene McKinnon**

thanks for last night guys

really appreciate it

 

**Remus Lupin**

Any time

Sirius and I get it

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

i really appreciate that

also! your hot choc was amazing

what do you put in it

 

**Remus Lupin**

Sadly it’s a secret recipe

 

**Sirius Black**

he won’t even tell me what’s in it

**Marlene McKinnon**

god dammit 

 

**Sirius Black**

meant to ask last night

what was this guy’s name that lily used to date

you never said

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

ohhhh you probs won’t know him tbh

he’s a total weirdo

severus snape? 

* * *

**  
THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

 **padfoot**  
****

ABSOLUTE CODE RED

@PRONGS @WORMTAIL ARE YOU AWAKE

 

**moony**

Not even joking around this is very much a Code Red

James

Pete

GET UP

 

**prongs**

it is a sUNDAY

why are you messaging at 9am

 

**padfoot**

stfu and listen

marlene came over last night

 

**prongs**

when?

also are we sure she’s gay?

spending an awful amount of time with u pads

 

**moony**

Not actually the point

I was also there and we just watched a film

But James, ffs

Not everything has to be sexual 

And Marlene gets to decide how she defines herself 

 

**padfoot**

yeh that’s out of line jem

 

**prongs**

ok you’re right

that was rude and mean

 

**wormtail**

wats the code red

 

**padfoot**

oh yes

so marlene revealed to rem and i

that lily

used to date SEVERUS SNAPE

 

**prongs**

WHAT THE FUCK

 

**moony**

They went to school together

Apparently they were together for three years

 

**prongs**

he’s literally never washed

how

how was this possible

 

**padfoot**

came to uni together but broke up because 

and get this

snivellus called her a slut for going out with her pals

and wearing skirts

and then spent a year spreading rumours about her

 

**prongs**

can I just check we’re talking about the snape snape

*same snape

greasy as fuck

hair like curtains

lived down the hall from us in first year

complete douchecanoe

 

**padfoot**

THE VERY SAME

also lmao snape snape 

 

**wormtail**

but lily is rlly nice

and pretty

and snape is 

 

**moony**

A total bellend? 

 

**prongs**

that poor girl

i can’t believe she had to kiss that

oh my god

does this mean evans slept with snape

 

**wormtail**

vom

 

**moony**

Can’t have done

Don’t you remember in first year

He used to try to say that Sirius was damaging himself

By having sex before he was engaged

Because he was “spiritually and emotionally unready” 

 

**padfoot**

spiritually and emotionally unready my arse

also marlene said they definitely didn’t sleep together

 

**prongs**

i think i need to process this spiritually and emotionally

* * *

**  
105% heterosexual**

 

**Lils**

Marls can we talk

Idk if you’re up yet

 

**Marls**

er sure

whats up

 

**Lils**

About last night…

You can’t keep bringing up Sev

 

**Marls**

you’re right

i can’t

 

**Lils**

Wait really? 

 

**Marls**

i can’t keep bringing up snape instead of tackling the actual issue

 

**Lils**

What do you mean? 

 

**Marls**

i know you probably don’t do it deliberately

but I’ve been going through a really rough time

and when you make comments about my sexuality

whether you mean them as a joke or not

it makes me feel like shit and lash out at you

 

**Lils**

I’m so sorry

Why didn’t you tell me? :(

I never meant to hurt you

We’ve always joked about that kind of thing

**Marls**

I know

and I should have told you guys 

instead of keeping it bottled up

because that’s when I say things I don’t mean

and it’s hardly like i don’t give as good as i get

 

**Lils**

Do you want to talk it over? 

I’m always here to listen 

 

**Marls**

it’s ok but thank u

i chatted to sirius last night

 

**Lils**

Really?

 

**Marls**

he’s a surprisingly good listener? 

like we’re all surprised lol

but yeh, I went over and he and remus made me hot choc

and we watched star wars

 

**Lils**

Ok that’s super cute

Sirius is growing on me

 

**Marls**

wait you didn’t like him before? 

 

**Lils**

It’s not that I didn’t like him

This is stupid

But you guys get on really well

And I guess I got a bit jealous

 

**Marls**

you’re my best friend forever and always

promise

 

**Lils**

<3 

You know I love you

And I’m nothing but supportive of your choices

And I’m always here

 

**Marls**

love u too lilibet

wanna come watch old reruns of love island with me?

 

**Lils**

GOD YES


	16. That's Above Your Paygrade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls decide to take matters into their own hands, and put Operation Wolfstar into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've kept you hanging on enough. Wolfstar is coming.*
> 
> *however not in this chapter because I'm still a tease.

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**moony**

Facebook just told me

That it has been a YEAR

Since we went on that weekend away

To that weird cottage

 

**prongs**

i was just about to message about this!!!

omfg

that will haunt my nightmares til the end of days

 

**moony**

Should have known better to let Sirius book it

 

**padfoot**

look

how was I supposed to know

renting a cottage for a weekend for 60 quid was too good to be true??

 

**moony**

???

Because it is??

 

**padfoot**

also it was not THAT bad

 

**prongs**

it was most certainly home to mice and quite a few ghosts

**moony**

Sirius.

There was one bed

The shower didn’t work

James leant on the sink in the bathroom and the whole thing just fell off

There was the weird landlord who lived next door

With the one eye and then the creepy fake one

 

**prongs**

LOL

i forgot about mad eye moody!!!

 

**padfoot**

the bed issue wasn’t that bad!

 

**prongs**

tbf the sofas pete and i slept on were very comfy

 

**moony**

Yeah because you weren’t sharing them with Sirius

The bed was horrendously lumpy

And I woke up being SPOONED WITHOUT MY CONSENT

 

**wormtail**

what about the guy who ran the pub in the village

wasn’t he fucking his sheep or something 

 

**padfoot**

look

aberforth dumbledore used to be quite respectable

his brother knew my uncle A

how was i supposed to know that he’d gone rogue

and was shacked up with a goat??

 

**moony**

I swear every contact of your uncle’s we’ve met has been nuts?

 

**padfoot**

well i won’t lie

uncle A was a little fruity

but I’m certain he was never in flagrante delicto with any animals

god rest his soul

 

**prongs**

amen.

i’ve just finished class so i’m gonna go to the lib to print some stuff

anyone want to meet at o’malleys

for a stiff beverage in an hour??

 

**moony**

Sounds good

I am accompanying Sirius to buy some clothes

As he has once again managed to shrink half his wardrobe in the tumble dryer

 

**padfoot**

:(

in my defence

i needed new clothes anyway

moony’s going to help me pick things to make me look aDuLt

 

**prongs**

when in your life are you going to need to be adult

 

**padfoot**

well that’s what I said

but apparently i need some adult clothes 

if I’m going to stand a cat in hell’s chance at getting a job in a gallery next year

 

**moony**

Baby steps, you know? 

* * *

 

**OPERATION WOLFSTAR**

 

**marleeeeene**

lads

we have to do something about wolfstar

i just ran into them in town and HONESTLY

such a couple

they’re going to buy sirius a work wardrobe for job interviews

 

**lils**

We really do

Also does anyone fancy going out for dinner tonight? 

I still have that voucher for the new italian place

 

**dorko**

Yes

Why don’t we invite the boys? 

Get a little Op. Wolfstar in

 

**lils**

Ooooh yes! 

 

**mary**

absolutely yes

i just broke up with benjy

 

**marleeeeene**

how many times is this?

 

**lils**

Marlene! 

I’m sorry Mary :( 

 

**mary**

no, marls is right

it’s been ridiculous

we’ve been doing this for too long

and this time i’ve decided I’ve had enough

 

**marleeeeene**

wow

proud of you girl

 

**dorko**

I’m sorry Mary

But also proud of you for making the decision that’s right for you

 

**mary**

thanks gals

but the thing to cheer me up

would be getting wolfstar together

because god knows they’re perfect for each other

it’s a friyay

lets go for Italian and then to the prewetts party

* * *

**dipstick(dot)com**

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

@James

right dickhead

we’re getting wolfstar together

 

**Lily Evans**

Tonight

 

**James Potter**

waht the hell is wolfstar

 

**Mary Macdonald**

sorry

it’s sirius and remus’ couple name

lupin means wolf

sirius is a constellation

 

**James Potter**

you’ve thought far too much about this

why tonight

 

**Lily Evans**

I have a voucher for that new Italian place

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

and we know you’re not busy because the prewetts are having a party

and you’re not going to miss that

 

**James Potter**

i didn’t know you knew gideon and fab

 

**Lily Evans**

Lol

Marlene used to date Gideon

 

**James Potter**

whaaaaat

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

for a hot second !

in first year ! 

before I knew i was gay !

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

She also hooked up with Fabian 

And surprisingly the three of them are still friends?

And all go for drinks on the reg? 

 

**James Potter**

i have a lot of questions

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Honestly who doesn’t

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

if it helps i do as well

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

???

 

**Lily Evans**

Back on topic

I have made reservations for 7:30

We’ll meet you on South Street

Then we’re going to put our plan into action

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

wats the plan

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Seeing as you’ve had 3 years to get them together, Peter

And failed

That’s above your pay grade 

 

**James Potter**

burn. 


	17. 2 Bottles of Wine and a Game of Dares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woooooolfstaaaaaar.
> 
> Also a fight with Snape, cus I live for the drama.

**dipstick(dot)com**

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

askslghslhgb loooook at them!!!!

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

This?? Is a very?? hot?? Make out?? 

 

**Lily Evans**

Steamy AF

 

**James Potter**

i don’t know where to look

i feel a bit like my parents are making out

 

**Mary Macdonald**

if your parents make out like that i’m concerned

 

**James Potter**

also can’t believe that all it took was a game of dares? 

that was your grand plan? 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

*2 bottles of wine and a game of dares

And don’t be salty 

Sometimes simplicity is the best

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

oMG

sirius did not just kiss remus on the forehead

THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS

it’s so cute im gonna die

 

**James Potter**

ngl they are sickeningly cute

god

who’d have thought

sirius black

and

remus lupin

love them tho <3

 

 

**Lily Evans**

Where is pter btw?

 

**James Potter**

he passed out at like 11

i put him in the cupboard under the stairs

i’ll get him before we go home

 

**Lily Evans**

James!

Surely someone should be with him??

 

**James Potter**

nah 

pete’s got the constitution of an ox

like he could be in a coma for 12 years

wake up

and he’d be back on the pints in no time

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

this is why i can’t date men

nOTHING about you makes sense?

and on that note

seeing as Hestia has been ghosting me

i’m off to scope the room

 

**James Potter**

i’ll join you

because as much as i am team wolfstar

if I have to watch remus giggle at sirius one more time

my eyes will fall out

* * *

**OPERATION WOLFSTAR**

 

**marleeeeene**

i’d just like to forewarn everyone

that i’ve seen snape

 

**dorko**

????

since when has he been friends with gideon and fab?

 

**lils**

Oh god

I saw Avery earlier

Was hoping that Sev wouldn’t be around

 

**mary**

fucking hell

hate snape

i know that girl Bellatrix has been around

swear she graduated like a hundred years ago? 

 

**marleeeeene**

is that the one dating lucius malfoy?

she’s sirius’ cousin right? 

 

**dorko**

Nah Cousin It dates the other sister

Narcissa

 

**lils**

Oh yeeeeaaah

And there’s another one

But she ran away with some guy her parents didn’t approve of

 

**mary**

since meeting sirius

my eyes have been opened to just how fucked up this place can be

 

**lils**

SOS

Sev has seen me

Where are you guys?!

 

**dorko**

Mary and I are in the bathroom

Be there ASAP!

 

**marleeeeene**

i’m trying to get downstairs

but Gideon’s playing some stupid stairway to heaven game 

with shots on the stairs

and won’t let me past

tHIS IS WHY OUR RELATIONSHIP ENDED

 

**dorko**

Lils are you ok? 

Do you want to just step outside or something?

 

**lils**

I’ve just spotted James

This is the first time in my life

I have ever thanked god for James Potter

* * *

**Dorcas Meadowes** created the group

**Dorcas Meadowes** added **Remus Lupin**

**Dorcas Meadowes** added **Sirius Black**

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Hate to break up what I’m sure is a lovely time you’re having

But you need to get downstairs asap

 

**Remus Lupin**

We’re in the garden, whats up???

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Lily’s ex Snape is here

With all his grim cronies

And it’s getting a bit tense in here

 

**Sirius Black**

why what happened

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

I went to the loo with Mary

Marlene was upstairs

And I think Snape spotted Lily?

But then James was there

And idk really what went down

But when Mary and I came back they were like staring each other down 

And James got all knuckles cracking rugby lad

 

**Remus Lupin**

Shit 

Who’s there?

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Well I don’t know all of them

Avery and Mulciber

And then a bunch of others

Also your cousin Sirius

Not the one who dates Cousin It

The other one

 

**Sirius Black**

wtf why is bellatrix here?

is there a tall guy with a shaved head

weirdly small nose and really pale??

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Yeah why?

 

**Remus Lupin**

Oh god

That’s Tom Riddle

He and Sirius have serious beef

 

**Sirius Black**

ffs.

ok, we’re coming in 


	18. Chill In A Ragey Sort of Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius chat about their lil badinage.

**Remouse**

I know we didn’t get to talk last night

What with you and James beating the shit out of Snape

But

I wanted to say I’m sorry.

 

**Serious**

??

 

**Remouse**

About last night

I got drunk, I came onto you after playing dares

It was totally inappropriate 

And then the whole stupid thing with Snape

 

**Serious**

so you regret it?

 

**Remouse**

Well, I know you’re not into me

And I really really hope this isn’t going to change our friendship

 

**Serious**

mouse you total tit

do you really think i’d have made out with you back

and then spent all that time in the garden

getting frisky with your hands down my trousers?

if I didn’t want to?

 

**Remouse**

…

You wanted to?

 

**Serious**

obviously?

in what world

do i do anything i don’t want to?

**Remouse**

Since when?

 

**Serious**

idk

i had a thing for you basically since we met 

and then you dated edgar

and i guess i didn’t think it’d happen

so I hooked up with other people

sowed my wild oats a bit

ya know the score

became a bohemian with a pet lobster

 

**Remouse**

A bohemian with a pet lobster

Christ

 

**Serious**

y’know

it’d be great if you could give me something back here

i need to know whether i should pack goose and my things

and go and herd cattle in some far off land

for the shame of admitting my feelings

 

**Remouse**

God sorry

Obviously I like you

I wouldn’t have kissed you otherwise

It’s been years, really

 

**Serious**

why did you never say?! 

we wasted all that time? 

 

**Remouse**

Same reason you didn’t, I suppose

And then last night

I got drunk and just thought 

Fuck it

 

**Serious**

fuck it

that’s not a very remus sentiment

 

**Remouse**

Well, maybe you bring out a different side to me

 

**Serious**

;) ;) 

so are we doing this then?

going to finally let the bohemian and his lobster into your heart and your bed??

 

**Remouse**

Is that you asking me to be your boyfriend?

Because it wasn’t very romantic

And Goose is coming nowhere near my bed

 

**Serious**

tell you what

you come in here

and i’ll show you romantic

i’d come to you but i currently hurt everywhere and am v bruised

 

**Remouse**

No Goose?

 

**Serious**

no goose.

 

**Remouse**

On my way

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Sirius Black**

i just need to tell you that

remus lupin and i

just had the best sex of our lives

 

**spoonless rem**

Sirius!

Good Christ

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

THANK GOD

FINALLY

altho also ew tmi

 

**Sirius Black**

finally?

also

 

**Sirius Black** changed **spoonless rem’s** name to **property of sirius™**

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**   
****

 

Didn’t have you down as possessive, Sirius

And yes, finally

We’ve all been rooting for you two

 

**Mary Macdonald**

poor peter’s been rooting for you for years

 

**Sirius Black**

wait

you all knew?

 

**alright evans**

Everyone except James

 

**brutus**

yeah apparently i’m emotionally stunted 

pete guessed ages ago

the girls clocked recently

i had to be told lolol

 

**property of sirius™**

@Peter why did you never say?!

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

wasn’t my place

was it

 

**Sirius Black**

…

i’m startled that i’m that easy to read

 

**property of sirius™**

Same, actually 

 

**Mary Macdonald**

*1 image attachment*

we even have a group chat

 

**Sirius Black**

lmao why is it called “dipstick(dot)com”

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

because James is an idiot

 

**brutus**

RUDE.

i’m laying out the rules rn that group chats are remaining PG tho

 

**Sirius Black**

roger that

* * *

**paddy mcpadfoot**

are u sure ur ok with me and rem?

 

**prongulus caesar**

seriously?

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

well first off that should be siriusly

and second

ur my best friend

my brother

i want ur approval

 

**prongulus caesar**

pads u don’t need anyone’s approval for ur life

i’m not ur mum and dad

you don’t have to impress me to make me love u

youre my family

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

i know

but it still matters to me

i probably should have told you

but remus is so out of my league

 

**prongulus caesar**

you know

this is the first relationship

where I’m like “everyone’s equal” 

no one’s out of anyone’s league

you’re great, rem’s great

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

yeah but he’s like so smart

and has his life together 

and is super normal??

 

**prongulus caesar**

and he’s also neurotic as fuck?

you’re smart

you’re hella resilient, given what you’ve been through

you’re also very chill 

in a sort of ragey kind of way

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

chill in a ragey sort of way

what a compliment that is

 

**prongulus caesar**

you know what i mean dickhead

you get rem to lighten up

he gets you grounded

i like it

probably should have paid more attention to you guys tho

can’t believe fucking PETER noticed

and I didn’t?

 

**paddy mcpadfoot**

yeah you’re never gonna live that down?

my phone screensaver is remus

james fleamont potter you are an idiot

 

**prongulus caesar**

…

is it?

goddamn I might need new glasses


	19. I’m Dating a Genuine Neanderthal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Lily and James get a message from Snape... and try to deal with it.

**Sev**

Nice to see the company you keep nowadays. 

Even for you, Lily, Sirius Black and James Potter are scraping the barrel. 

 

**Lily**

Why are you texting me? 

And why is it any of your business who I’m friends with?

 

**Sev**

I’m trying to do you a favour. 

I know what Black is like - I’m friends with his brother, remember?

And Potter is an idiot. 

 

**Lily**

Yeah, his little brother who’s about as much of a nut job as his parents are.

Leave Sirius alone.

And James is really clever, thanks. 

 

**Sev**

Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for Black?

Lily, even you’re not Black’s type. 

Something to do with the fact you’re a girl, funnily enough.

I thought you were smarter than this. 

Didn’t you see that disgusting display with Lupin last weekend?

 

**Lily**

You’re such a dick. 

They’re my FRIENDS, Sev.

And I don’t need your permission to be friends with anyone.

 

**Sev**

Think for a second about what you’re doing to your reputation!

People will talk. 

We should meet to talk about this.

 

**Lily**

We shouldn’t.

* * *

**OPERATION WOLFSTAR**

 

**lils**

*1 image attachment*

Look at this conversation I just had with Sev

S2G I’m going to murder him

 

**marleeeeene**

B L O C K

H I S 

N U M B E R 

I T

H A S

B E E N

T H R E E 

Y E A R S

* * *

**Unknown number**

You need to stay away from Lily Evans. 

 

**James Potter**

who is this?

 

**Unknown number**

Severus Snape. 

 

**James Potter**

lmao

lily’s psychotic ex?

the total loon who lived in halls with us?

 

**Unknown number**

I know Lily better than you do.

We grew up together. 

 

**James Potter**

yeah and then she grew out of you

because you’re a fucking wanker 

 

**Unknown number**

Just because you’ve got cash to burn doesn’t mean you can impress her.

She’s not like that.

 

**James Potter**

oh go drink bleach snape

i can’t even begin to express 

how much I don’t care what you think

stop harassing the poor girl

and stop harassing me

before i break your face

(again)

 

* * *

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**moony**

@prongs where you at?

We’re thinking of going to the cinema

 

 

**prongs**

gym

i needed to go punch some shit

*1 image attachment*

snape messaged me about lily and the party on friday

 

**padfoot**

ooh daddy

love it when you’re riled up

also wtf this boy is a total moron

 

**moony**

Lol “go drink bleach snape” 

Didn’t they break up A HUNDRED years ago?

 

**padfoot**

i really feel like he is a Closeted Gay™

maybe remouse and I should make out in front of him

to make him really uncomfortable

 

**moony**

He’s not in the closet, he’s a homophobe. 

I’d still make out with you tho ;) 

 

**padfoot**

;) ;) ;) 

 

**prongs**

WE AGREED TO KEEP THE GROUP CHAT PG-RATED

 

**padfoot**

you really need to get laid if you think making out isn’t PG

just saying

 

**prongs**

:(

* * *

**James**

*1 image attachment*

don’t mean to be weird 

but why is your ex messaging me?

 

**Lily**

Oh Lordy 

Look, our break up was messy

Just ignore him

And pls don’t beat him up again? 

 

**James**

i mean

i’d love to

but i also can’t stand him

so no promises

 

**Lily**

James

I’m serious

 

**James**

you’re lily

 

**Lily**

-_-

* * *

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**prongs**

*1 image attachment*

honestly

obviously evans is my perfect woman

but HOW can she still be like “don’t hit snape”

 

**moony**

Christ Prongs

You’re like a bull in a china shop with that girl

 

**prongs**

?!?!

 

**padfoot**

look

evans is a woman who’s a bit like a painting by a Dutch master

she requires nuance 

subtlety

you

are trying to paint with your toes instead of a brush

 

**moony**

…

Where the fuck do you pull these images from, Sirius? 

 

**prongs**

you just had a meeting with professor phalanges didn’t you

 

**padfoot**

yes

**prongs**

look

i’ve never really had this before

i really like evans

she’s funny

ridiculously smart

super passionate

and so fucking insanely beautiful it hurts to look at her?

and she literally thinks i’m a steaming turd?

 

**padfoot**

blimey

you do like her

 

**moony**

She doesn’t think you’re a steaming turd!

I just don’t think she’s got the chance to get to know you yet

Because you’ve been so stressed about it

 

**wormtail**

u cud just ask her on a date?

 

**prongs**

peter, we’re looking for practical solutions here? 

 

**padfoot**

yeah when prongs tried to talk to her at my birthday

his mouth just made a noise like a fart

i think we’re going to need some intermediary steps

 

**prongs**

fml

great word tho, intermediary 

 

**padfoot**

thanks

have literally no idea what it means so I guessed 

lol

 

**moony**

I think I’m dating a genuine neanderthal. 


	20. Scone With the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders make some terrible bread puns, and then decide to go to Christmas Ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scone with the wind makes me laugh so much.
> 
> Thanks so much for all the comments/kudos gang - really appreciate it! Particular shout out to aveclesmuguets for all the great feedback :)

**THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY**

 

**moony**

So I have to watch a film for this essay I’m writing

How have I never seen Good Morning Vietnaan before?

*Vietnam, even

It’s so good?

 

**padfoot**

GOOD MORNING VIETNAAN

LOL LOL LOL

i spat my coffee out

 

**prongs**

lololololol

he actually did

i’m next to him in the library

 

**padfoot**

Good Morning Vietnaan

not as good as the chronicles of naania

 

**prongs**

dawn of the bread

 

**padfoot**

bread poets society

 

**prongs**

lmfao

that one’s good

meet the focaccias?

 

**padfoot**

mediocre at best

toastbusters

 

**prongs**

such a cheap shot

it’s a wonderful loaf

 

**moony**

How the everliving fuck

Do the two of you

Have the capacity to produce so many bread related film puns?

 

**padfoot**

scone with the wind

 

**prongs**

SCONE WITH THE WIND

 

 

**prongs** changed the name of **THE GOOSE APPRECIATION SOCIETY** to **scone with the wind**

 

**moony**

I hate you both. 

* * *

**scone with the wind**

 

**prongs**

it’s december

 

**moony**

Well done

You can read a calendar 

 

**prongs**

no you dick

that means we have 2 weeks until exams

 

**padfoot**

unless you’re me

and then you have no exams and only essays

 

**prongs**

ok cool but

Christmas Ball?

the tickets come out tomo

it’s the last night before christmas holidays

shall we go? 

 

**padfoot**

if pete promises not to vom on my shoes again

 

**wormtail**

:(

i ate too much dessert ! 

 

**padfoot**

yeah and vomited on my fucking Italian leather loafers

they’ve not been the same since

three hundred quid ruined in a moment of gateau overindulgence 

 

**moony**

I do not understand 

How you can be so cavalier about your clothes

And yet intensely precious about your shoes?

 

**padfoot**

i just love shoes!

 

**prongs**

speaking of

can I borrow a pair for my rugby christmas dinner next week?

 

**padfoot**

not the velvet ones

but otherwise

yes

 

**prongs**

thx bb

 

**moony**

Christmas Ball?

 

**prongs**

oh yeah

shall we see if the gals are about?

 

**padfoot**

yeah, that’d be a laugh

i actually think one of the guys organising it

is in the gryffindor club

lemme message him

* * *

**Sirius Black**

shacklebolt

old boy

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

Sirius Black

To what do I owe the pleasure?

 

**Sirius Black**

wonder if you could help a brother out

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

Anything for a Gryffindor

What do you need?

 

**Sirius Black**

christmas ball tickets come out tomorrow

i don’t want to deal with the hassle of buying online

you know how glitchy the website is

seeing as you’re on the committee

any chance you could set some aside for me and my pals?

8 tix in total

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

Ugh I don’t know tbh

We’re not really supposed to

Sturgis Podmore is the president of the committee

I’ll speak to him and say I owe you a favour

 

**Sirius Black**

oh I know sturgis

probably not wise to mention my name, actually

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

…

You’ve hooked up with Sturgis? 

 

**Sirius Black**

funny story actually

remus went on a date with him and brought him to a party

and then I hooked up with him

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

But I thought you were dating Lupin?

Don’t tell me you’re in a menage a trois with Podmore?

 

**Sirius Black**

lmao jesus no 

this was pre-me and lupin

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

So you want 8 tickets 

Who’s all going?

 

**Sirius Black**

me and the boys

and the girls who live next door

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

Wait

Are those the girls you were at the Prewetts’ party with?

 

**Sirius Black**

yeh, why? 

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

Tell you what

I’ll get you your tickets

If you get me Dorcas Meadowes’ number

Deal? 

 

**Sirius Black**

kingsley

you total ROGUE

but yeah, lemme know how much I owe you

I’ll give it to you at club tomorrow

 

**Kingsley Shacklebolt**

Cheers 

I’ll have your tickets then

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Sirius Black**

oi friends

we’re going to christmas ball

i got 8 tickets

 

**alright mum**

?

Tickets don’t come out until tomorrow?

And I swear they sell out in like 5 mins? 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

how did you get tickets? 

 

**Sirius Black**

i know a guy

 

**property of sirius™**

“i know a guy”

Smh

He messaged one of his Gryffindor Club pals

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Ofc you did

However

I am very much in

 

**Sirius Black**

excellent

because it’s actually down to dorko that we have tickets

 

**Mary Macdonald**

wut. 

i tried getting some off benjy

but he’s blocked me on all forms of social media fml

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Black

What the hell did you do?

 

**Sirius Black**

there’s always got to be a sweetener to any deal

and this time, it happened to be dorcas’ phone number

 

**property of sirius™**

Sirius! 

You can’t just hand people’s numbers out! 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

LOL who is it?!

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

I’m going to murder your lobster in his sleep with a fish slice

 

**Sirius Black**

kingsley shacklebolt

he’s a PhD student

also Jesus dorcas

what did goose do to you?!

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Oh. 

Nvm Shacklebolt’s really hot

Your lobster is safe. 

* * *

**Serious**   
****

hey mouse

will you go to the christmas ball with me? 

 

**Remouse**

You’re my boyfriend?

Who else would I be going with? 

 

**Serious**

no i know

but i wanted to ask you properly :) 

 

**Remouse**

Well then

I’d love to

 

**Serious**

wanna get matching bow ties? 

 

**Remouse**

um, YES.


	21. I Needed 2 hands to Field the Crustacean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Goose drama - will this be the end of Goose?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a touch shorter - a little filler chap. because there's more drama coming. 
> 
> Is this the last time we see Goose? Very much not ;)

**scone with the wind**

 

**padfoot**

hey jem

you study biology 

 

**prongs**

i do

 

**padfoot**

do you think lobsters get lonely

goose looks lonely

 

**prongs**

?

how would i know?

i’m not a lobster expert?

 

**padfoot**

i think he’s lonely 

 

**moony**

Why are you so in tune with the emotions of animals? 

This like the time you learnt to knit off youtube 

Because you wanted to make sweaters for birds in case they got cold

 

**padfoot**

yeah well turns out i’m bad at knitting 

**prongs**

why do you think he’s lonely lol? 

 

**padfoot**

he’s not moving a lot 

 

**moony**

Sirius

That’s because Goose is fat as fuck

He’s gonna get too big for that tank 

 

**prongs**

have you ever thought about setting goose free

like in the ocean

we could take a day trip

 

**padfoot**

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

i’ll have to get a bigger tank

i’ll look on google

 

**moony**

The tanks are gonna get so expensive, Pads

 

**prongs**

i know you’ve got money to burn

but really

why waste it on this

goose is SUCH a dick

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**brutus**

we’d like to request a moment of silence

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

???

why?

 

**brutus**

sadly, the fifth marauder went to a new home today

goose is no longer in the hoose

 

**Sirius Black**

REMUS GOT RID OF MY LOBSTER

 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

you got rid of goose?!

remus you SNAKE

 

 

**Marlene McKinnon** changed **property of sirius™’s** name to **HISS HISS BITCH**

  
****

**HISS HISS BITCH**

He was too big!

And he bit you!

I took him to that weird aquatic fish shop on Brownside Road

The guy thought it was hilarious

Says he’s not going to sell him

So you can see him any time

 

**Sirius Black**

the worst part is i now have a tank

and no lobster

couldn’t have taken that back to the shop could you remus?

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Mary is on the kitchen floor crying

 

**Sirius Black**

appropriate response

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

With laughter

 

**Sirius Black**

oh.

 

**alright mum**

Wait if you have the tank

How did Remus get him to the pet shop?

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

I put him in a plastic bag

I couldn’t carry the tank and the lobster

I needed two hands to field the crustacean 

 

**Sirius Black**

YOU CARRIED GOOSE IN A PLASTIC BAG

how fucking dare you. 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

remus i’m HOWLING

this is comedy gold

 

**Sirius Black**

does no one care about my feelings?

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

i do

 

**Sirius Black**

thanks, pete

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

but i am kinda glad goose is gone

he bites rlly hard

 

**Sirius Black**

but a playful nibble ! 

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

It was the final straw when he drew blood

I’m sorry Sirius 

But when they get big they can take the top of your finger off

 

**brutus**

i’ve always said goose was a charmer

* * *

**Remouse**

I’m sorry I got rid of Goose

But you know it was the right choice

 

**Serious**

:( 

i know

but

what if he forgets me??

and likes the aquatic shop guy better??

 

**Remouse**

Would it make you feel better if I told you he bit the guy really hard when he transferred him to the big tank??

 

**Serious**

lil bit

 

**Remouse**

How about if I made you hot chocolate?

And we could watch that documentary about the Mormon polygamists?

 

**Serious**

my bed or yours? 

 

**Remouse**

Mine

Just changed my sheets

 

**Serious**

;) ;) ;) 


	22. Not Interested in Being Polite or Heterosexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape is back, causing the drama. But, there's Jily!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I find myself funnier than I should. 
> 
> Let me know thoughts and feelings! I'll probably be updating a little less frequently this week, as I'm back at work tomorrow. Sad face.

**Serious**

are you awake

 

**Remouse**

Well I am now

Why are you texting me from the other side of the bed?

It is 3am?

 

**Serious**

i’d very much like to have sex

 

**Remouse**

…

 

**Serious**

with you

obviously

 

**Remouse**

Sirius

Go to sleep

 

**Serious**

remouse

i don’t take orders

i barely take suggestions

 

 

**Remouse**

…

oh get over here you weird bastard

 

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Who is playing Eastside SO loudly?

 

**Sirius Black**

HE USED TO MEET ME ON THE EASTSIDE

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

IN THE CITY WHERE THE SUN DON’T SET

 

**Sirius Black**

AND EVERY DAY YOU KNOW THAT WE RIDE

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

THROUGH THE BACKSTREETS IN A BLUE CORVETTE

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Well, that answers that question

Do you guys not have studying to do?

 

 

**Sirius Black**

dorcas bb

live a little

speaking of

i haven’t heard anything from kingsley ;) ;) 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

eyyyyyyyyyy

she’s meeting him tonight

 

**brutus**

GET IN THERE DORKO

Where ya going tonight?

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Do you know Brandon’s? 

The bar on Easterly Road?

 

**Sirius Black**

HE’S GOING TO MEET YOU ON THE EASTSIDE

* * *

**OPERATION WOLFSTAR**

 

**dorko**

What do I wear for this damn date? 

 

**marleeeeene**

that top

with the beads

 

**dorko**

*1 image attachment*

This one? 

Or the black one?

 

**marleeeeene**

nah the black one

makes your boobs look GREAT

 

**lils**

Yes I like the black one as well

Also seeing as our job is now done

 

**lils** changed the group name to **Laydees @ no 12**

 

**marleeeeene**

it feels good to be back

anyone fancy ordering pizza tonight? 

 

**dorko**

You’re ordering pizza when I have a stupid date!!

 

**mary**

i am team black beaded top

and also team pizza

 

**lils**

I’m in class rn

I get out in an hour

So should be home for 5:30

We could pizza before your date Dorko? 

 

**dorko**

This top is cropped

That pizza stomach ain’t gonna be sexy

 

**marleeeene**

screw it

 

**dorko**

If he can’t handle me at my worst, etc. etc.? 

 

**lils**

Hate that phrase, but that’s the general sentiment 

 

**marleeeeene**

i often think that phrase should be different for me

like

if they can’t handle me at my worst

i don’t blame them cus I’m fucking ridiculous 

 

**dorko**

What a ringing self endorsement. 

* * *

**scone with the wind**

 

**prongs**

!!!!!

so I’m coming out the bio building 

and i’ve just seen evans walking away from snape

i think she’s crying

what should I do? 

 

**padfoot**

go over and ask if she’s ok you dick? 

 

**moony**

^^^^

Also don’t antagonise Snape, pls

It’ll make it worse

 

**wormtail**

i’m just coming out of engineering

i’ll come find you prongs

 

**padfoot**

wtf no wormtail?

 

**wormtail**

y?

 

**moony**

Because this is an opportunity for Lily and James to spend time together?

Alone?

And for James to show that he’s not a total prick, and can be thoughtful? 

 

**wormtail**

oh right

makes sense

 

**padfoot**

the straights are all stupid, i s2g

 

**moony**

Don’t be rude

 

**padfoot**

i am not interested in being polite or heterosexual 

* * *

**Unknown number**

I told you to stay away from Lily Evans.

 

**James Potter**

are you actually stalking me, snivellus?

 

**Unknown number**

I’m not going to warn you again, Potter. 

 

**James Potter**

obviously I’m scared shitless

 

**Unknown number**

Lily is too good for you.

 

**James Potter**

lily is my friend

why are you so intent on hurting her?

 

**Unknown number**

I’m protecting her? 

Lily is too trusting for her own good.

I can see through you, I know you’ll just take advantage of her.

You think you’re so clever, but you’re all brawn and no brains.

 

**James Potter**

what an objectively terrible insult?

 

* * *

**James**

heya

hope you’re feeling a bit better

 

**Lily**

I am, thanks

The girls and I ordered pizza

And we’re watching Mamma Mia 2

 

**James**

don’t tell sirius

 

**Lily**

How come? 

 

**James**

it’s his favourite film

he aspires to be tanya

 

**Lily**

Lmao 

He would

Look, I really appreciate you being there for me earlier

Not every guy would let some girl cry on his shoulder for an hour

 

**James**

you’re not just some girl

and you have a valid reason to be upset

your sister getting engaged and not telling you so you have to find out on FB

that’s rough

and then running into your ex? 

talk about a bad tuesday

 

**Lily**

It’s so silly 

Petunia and I have never been close

Why would she tell me? 

I suppose it just felt like the last nail in the coffin for our relationship

God I wish my dad was still alive 

 

**James**

i’m really sorry

 

**Lily**

It’s fine, honestly

Petunia’s a really loyal person

Just

Not to me

And then fucking Sev

 

**James**

yeah ngl that kid is nutso

but

let’s not talk about him? 

i was wondering 

do you fancy getting a drink with me sometime this week?

 

**Lily**

I’d love to :) 


	23. I’d Like Someone to Shoot Me in the Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and James get ready for their date... and Wolfstar get a little sneaky.

**105% heterosexual**

 

**Lils**

So

I have a confession

**Marls**

my fave thing on a wednesday morning at 10

i’m in a pure maths lecture

so obviously i’d like someone to shoot me in the face

but a confession will do instead

 

**Lils**

James asked me on a date last night

And I said yes. 

 

**Marls**

WAHT.

*WHAT, even

?!? LEWRKHG R

a,jbfkjd

 

**Lils**

…

Marls?

 

**Marls**

SORRY

i got so excited i flung my phone into that weird crack

between the seat and the steps

how?!

when?!

what?!

spill?!

 

**Lils**

After you guys told me I should be a bit more charitable

I’ve been trying really hard to think about what you said

About how James isn’t immature

He’s just unashamedly himself 

 

**Marls**

i think it was actually mary who said that 

but sure I’ll take the credit

 

**Lils**

Anyway

Yesterday after class, I looked at Facebook

And found out that Petunia has gotten engaged to Vernon

(the one with no neck)

And she literally didn’t tell me

THEN 

I ran into Sev

 

**Marls**

jesus what a shit tuesday

how does James fit into this? 

 

**Lils**

He came over outside the science buildings when I was crying

Walked into town with me to the 3 Broomsticks

Bought me a hot chocolate

And basically let me cry on his shoulder for an hour

He was a super good listener, and gave me some great advice

And then checked in with me later

 

**Marls**

bless his cotton socks

 

**Lils**

I actually felt like a massive arsehole, if I’m honest

Here’s this guy who’s been trying to impress me for months

Not because he’s a creep 

Or because he thinks I owe him something

Just because he, you know, LIKES me

 

**Marls**

well yeah

he’s a babe

literally the most generous person I know

 

**Lils**

And it wasn’t until after he’d made sure I was ok etc.

That he asked me

And I know he’s insane because 

Lesbereal

They’re all a little insane

 

**Marls**

oh god yeah

sirius is like the natural equivalent of crack cocaine

 

**Lils**

But it felt really right? 

Like if you’d told me James was going to ask me on a date

And I was going to say yes

I’d have laughed

But when he asked, I was just like

“obviously I want to go on a date with James Potter”

 

**Marls**

well i won’t say i told you so

* * *

**scone with the wind**

 

**prongs**

BROTHERS

THE ACTUAL MIRACULOUS HAS OCCURRED

*1 image attachment*

we’re going for drinks at the keys tonight 

 

**padfoot**

MY MAN

thank god we didn’t let Peter come third wheel yesterday

 

**wormtail**

:( 

 

**moony**

YES JAMES  
  
See?

The softly softly approach worked

 

**padfoot**

gotta show your sensitive side

like I did with rem

 

**prongs**

?

you guys made out in at a house party?

 

**padfoot**

but in a sensitive way?

 

**moony**

Sirius, can we go back to our lunch?

 

**prongs**

wait

are you guys on an AcTuAl DaTe?

 

**padfoot**

idk

kinda?

 

**moony**

Not a date per se

We’re in the garden

Sharing a ham sandwich

 

**prongs**

disgustingly cute

 

**padfoot**

“not a date per se”

that is not very punk rock, remus lupin

 

**moony**

Neither are you

 

**padfoot**

RUDE

 

* * *

**Marlene**

you owe me fifty quid

 

**Dorcas**

Why? 

 

**Marlene**

potter asked Lils on a date last night

and she said yes

 

**Dorcas**

GOD DAMMIT

I was so certain he’d have to ask more than once

I presume you’re not kidding, right? 

 

**Marlene**

*1 image attachment*

obviously I got receipts?

what kind of fool do you take me for? 

 

**Dorcas**

Just checking

* * *

**Lily**

Hey, what time do you want to do tonight? :) 

 

**James**

do you want to say 6:30? we can either walk in together

or ican meet you at the keys?

 

**Lily**

6:30 would be great!

I’ve finished my exam, so I’m heading home

And will be there all afternoon

So we should walk in together! 

 

**James**

great!

* * *

**Serious**

hey

later

wanna go sneak into the keys and spy on prongs and evans?

 

**Remouse**

Obviously? 


	24. You’re Superb in That Wig, Dorcas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily have their first date, and obviously their friends can't leave them alone. Plus, there's draaaaaaama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm beginning to wrap this pic up - imagine it'll be a few more chapters yet! But, I have got a proper fit planned out for when this is finished that'll keep you in all your Wolfstar needs.

**Sirius**

are you and dorcas also spying on evans and james?

 

**Marlene**

GOD DAMMIT

we thought we were being subtle

 

**Sirius**

nah mate

you’re shifty as fuck

like the hats are not subtle

 

**Marlene**

look

i’m more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

 

**Sirius**

what an image

is dorcas ?? wearing a wig??

 

**Marlene**

FFS

i’m starting a group chat

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon** created the group

 **Marlene McKinnon** added **Sirius Black**

 **Marlene McKinnon** added **Dorcas Meadowes**

 **Marlene McKinnon** added **Remus Lupin**

 

**Remus**

I have to say

You’re superb in that wig, Dorcas

 

**Dorcas**

Fuck off

It’s the itchiest thing in the world

 

**Sirius**

why didn’t you just ask for a table in the corner like we did?

why bother with the hats?

 

**Remus**

Clearly they’ve never had the honour of spying on James on a date

 

**Marlene**

we panicked!

 

**Sirius**

it’s fuckin amateur hour over there

 

**Remus**

They’ve arrived!

Great shirt choice from James

 

**Sirius**

yeah cus it’s mine

he didn’t say he was borrowing it the dickhead

 

**Marlene**

well that is also not the outfit we approved for lily

but I’m not mad about it

 

**Remus**

She looks nice tho

 

**Dorcas**

Ok they haven’t noticed Wig-gate

So I think we’re in the clear

Looks like a nice wine that Lils has ordered

 

**Sirius**

it looks like the 2016 Gavi, it’s very excellent

 

**Marlene**

oh stfu sirius no one cares about the wine

 

**Sirius**

impolite.

 

**Remus**

James has gone for a whiskey and coke

A bold strategy

 

**Sirius**

good idea tho

hard to match someone’s pace when you’ve got a pint

and they’re on a small glass of wine

 

**Dorcas**

She laughed at his joke!

What was the joke?

Was it actually funny?

 

**Sirius**

fuck off my man is always funny?

**Remus**

Your boyfriend is in this chat?

 

**Sirius**

well obviously i was just commenting?

I can’t wait to go home with you so we can watch grand designs in bed and fool around under the covers?

 

**Marlene**

it is still a group chat let’s keep this kosher

 

**Sirius**

oh fuck my life my cousin just arrived

 

**Dorcas**

Which one?

 

**Sirius**

bizarrely she’s simultaneously blonde and dark?

by the bar

next to Lucius

 

**Dorcas**

Cousin It strikes again

Someone needs to tell him to get his hair cut

 

**Remus**

Honestly what is it about aristocrats and the long hair

 

**Sirius**

excuse you

 

**Marlene**

not yours sirius hun

yours doesn’t make you look like the love child of an albino and a mop

 

**Dorcas**

Lmao

Oh fucking hell

 

**Remus**

What?

 

**Dorcas**

Please tell me I’m imagining things and Severus Snape didn’t just walk in

 

**Marlene**

FOR FUCKS SAKE

also sirius

isn’t that your little brother???

 

**Sirius**

shoot me in the face

creme de la creme would be bellatrix arriving

 

**Remus**

Remind me which one’s Bellatrix again

 

**Sirius**

shorter than narcissa

the eldest

total sociopath

probably comes from the fact that her parents are more inbred than mine

 

**Marlene**

lordy

 

**Sirius**

she’s the one who’s engaged to Rodolphus Lestrange

but is basically cuckolding him for that Tom Riddle guy

 

**Remus**

Didn’t he once pull a knife on you at a party?

 

**Marlene**

wtf???

 

**Sirius**

basically I told him to keep away from regulus

this was in last year when regulus had just joined

and like we don’t get on, obvs

but i didn’t want him ending up being groomed into riddle’s crowd

shouldn’t have bothered getting in riddle’s face cus snape did the honours anyway

slimy bastard

 

**Dorcas**

Why is Severus Snape the common denominator in all things awful?

 

**Remus**

Why is Severus Snape still as unwashed as he was in first year?

HOW can Lily have dated him??

 

**Marlene**

their relationship was fuuuuucked

he’s from her hometown

think he’s always been a bit of a loner

and she was as well, but she was also pretty and like, normal

and she came to uni and basically realised she could have friends etc. who treated her better than he did

 

**Dorcas**

And he did NOT like that

 

**Remus**

Oi look out

Sirius I think Bellatrix has come in

 

**Sirius**

honestly what the fuck

is this like a family get together that i wasn’t invited to

OH HELL NO

she’s brought riddle AND lestrange?!

i’ll give it to bella, she’s bold

 

**Marlene**

ok as long as they stay away from lily and James that’s all that matters

 

**Remus**

Agreed

And we should also keep Sirius away from Riddle

 

**Sirius**

riddle pretends he’s a big dog

but he’s pathetic

gets everyone to do his dirty work for him

so I’m not playing ball unless it’s him

 

**Dorcas**

Oh look at Lily and James

They look like they’re having such a good time

 

**Remus**

WHAT A PLAYER HE HAS JUST TAKEN HER HAND

 

**Sirius**

YAS BOI

 

**Dorcas**

God they’re so cute

Imagine the babies they’d have

Fucking adorable

 

**Marlene**

??

it is their first date

cool your jets dorko

 

**Dorcas**

Sorry

It’s cus of my date with Kingsley going HORRENDOUSLY

 

**Remus**

Omg yes forgot about that

Why so bad?

 

**Dorcas**

He’s clearly very ready for settling down

And I am not

I’m a young woman in her prime

 

**Sirius**

preach

you sow those wild oats sister

you've got your whole life to get settled

 

**Remus**

Sirius bloody loves the phrase “sowing one’s wild oats”

 

**Sirius**

it’s a great phrase

 

**Marlene**

ajfdsghklsn

STFU ALL OF YOU

james is going for a kiss!!!

 

**Sirius**

omg!!!

i feel like a proud parent

 

**Dorcas**

wtf?

 

**Marlene**

remus take note

this is what he’ll be like if you guys ever have kids

 

**Remus**

Oh bloody hell

Can you imagine your first kiss

And one of your gay dads like springing out of the wardrobe

Being like

I’M SO PROUD

 

**Marlene**

lololololol

stop

i’m trying not to laugh

 

**Sirius**

offensive

i would not be “one of your gay dads”

i’dbe the bisezual dad

none of this bi erasure thx

 

**Remus**

Bisezual.

 

**Dorcas**

Oh halp

Snape has spotted them

 

**Sirius**

he looks like he’s about to lay an egg

 

**Remus**

Do we go over?

Like he’s clearly being offensive, judging by the look on James’ face

 

**Sirius**

yeh but then we blow our cover

 

**Remus**

If Dorcas’ wig hasn’t done so already

 

**Dorcas**

RUDE.

 

**Sirius**

you know what I mean

James’ll want to try to handle it himself

 

**Marlene**

true that

we’ll be the surprise reinforcements

 

**Remus**

You will be no such thing

Sirius and I, fine

But you two need to stay seated

They’re a nasty crew

 

**Dorcas**

Never took you for a well-meaning misogynist, Lupin

 

**Remus**

That’s not what I meant

Don’t want you guys to get hurt, that’s all

 

**Marlene**

we appreciate the concern

but we can handle ourselves

 

**Sirius**

when you’re all done swinging your dicks at each other

evans looks like she might set snape on fire with one look

 

**Remus**

!

Did she just slap him!

 

**Marlene**

LILITH

what r u doing girl!!

snape’s been light with his hands before

 

**Dorcas**

I’m a little concerned

He and James look like they’re getting very shirty

 

**Sirius**

absolutely not, i am going over

 

**Remus**

Oh good Christ

 

**Dorcas**

Did… did Sirius just scream

“NOT MY JAMES YOU BITCH”

 

**Marlene**

i think so

 

**Remus**

Well then troops

Into the fray we go.


	25. You've Chosen Your Way, I've Chosen Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily power through, Lily finally gets rid of Snape, and Sirius and Regulus have a rare conversation.

**Sev**

You’ve really reached the bottom, Lily.

I’ve tried to warn you. 

But you’re beyond help now.

 

**Lily**

Good god did your mother drop you on your head as a baby?

You interrupted me on a date to call me a golddigger

Got in James’ face

And you’ve got the audacity to tell me that I’m at rock bottom? 

 

**Sev**

I tried to protect you. 

 

**Lily**

You tried to control me, there’s a difference.

 

**Sev**

Can’t we talk this over? 

 

**Lily**

It’s too late. 

I’ve made excuses for you for years.

 

**Sev**

All I’ve ever wanted was for us to make something of our lives, Lily.

I’m trying to help you. 

 

**Lily**

Those people you hang around with will drop you as soon as you’re not interesting anymore.

You don’t even deny that’s what you’re aiming to be - interesting to people like the Blacks. 

 

**Sev**

They’ve always been there for me. 

Always.

**Lily**

Well, I can’t pretend I want anything to do with their friendship. 

You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.

So this is goodbye. 

 

* * *

**James**

i can only apologise 

for last night

 

**Lily**

Why are you apologising? 

 

**James**

my friends

your friends

your ex?

it was basically a disaster of a first date

 

**Lily**

James

It was HILARIOUS

 

**James**

wait what

 

**Lily**

Sirius running across the bar screaming

Dorcas throwing a drink at Sirius’ cousin

While wearing that ludicrous wig

 

**James**

well now you mention it

it was really funny

god knows why sirius was screaming

 

**Lily**

Pretty certain he was screaming “not my James you bitch”

 

**James**

lmao classic sirius

so you’re not mad at me? 

 

**Lily**

God no

I realised recently

That I have to stop giving Severus the gentle approach

Because it clearly isn’t working

And frankly, he deserved it

 

**James**

well, if you want to risk it

do you fancy going to the ball with me?

i know we’re all going anyway

but i thought we could go together

like, properly

 

**Lily**

Are you’re asking me if I want to run the risk of getting in a bar fight with you again?

** James **

i guess i am

** Lily **

Then the answer’s an absolute yes <3

 

**James**

:) <3

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

 **alright mum**  
****

Well gang

I have to say

You were quite something last night

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

In our defence

We didn’t expect Satan and his minions to turn up

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

I also didn’t expect to have to fight to leave

 

**Sirius Black**

i apologise for nothing

we were FIRE

james rugby tackling riddle AND lestrange

remus getting regulus in a headlock

and then dorcas YEETED that drink at narcissa

 

**Mary Macdonald**

cannot BELIEVE the one night benjy wants to “talk” 

is the night you guys BRAWLED in the keys

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

we’ve all been given lifetime bans Mary

 

**alright mum**

Thank god we’re graduating in 6 months

 

**Sirius Black**

i prefer to think of it less as a brawl

more a team bonding exercise

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

Thank God Sirius didn’t steal another lobster

 

**Sirius Black**

you know i thought about it

but I decided my poor heart couldn’t take it

i’m a loyal man

and goose has that loyalty

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

What were you and Snape arguing about, anyway?

@Lily

@James

 

**brutus**

wait you didn’t know? 

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

Sirius sort of barrelled in before we could get the full low down

 

**Sirius Black**

i’ve always liked to set an example

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

Yeah, a bad one

 

**brutus**

snape came over and told lily she was embarrassing herself by being seen with me

 

**alright mum**

To which I pointed out that James is significantly less embarrassing than drinking with half of Sirius’ family

 

**Sirius Black**

entirely accurate

 

**brutus**

then snape said that no wonder lily was attracted to me

because she was always “willing to get a leg over when there’s money involved”

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

NO.

 

**Sirius Black**

WHAT A LITTLE SHIT.

 

**alright mum**

So I slapped him 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

I literally did not think it was possible for Snape to get worse

But he managed it

 

**brutus**

i obviously was having none of it

and then Sirius rocked up

 

**Sirius Black**

i’ve always had impeccable timing

 

**Mary Macdonald**

what, and then you all started brawling? 

 

**brutus**

well sirius shoved snape

at which point the entirety of the black family descended on us like devils from hell

i *think* regulus was trying to break them up 

but ended up hitting sirius in the face

so remus got him in a headlock

riddle and lestrange tried to get involved so i tackled them

lucius stayed at the bar lol 

Narcissa spat at lily

so dorko lobbed a drink

and then the manager kicked us out

**Sirius Black**

bella shrieked about like a banshee at marlene

Cus she’s actually fundamentally useless

so marls just stood there laughing

 

**Mary Macdonald**

blimey

well I’m heartily looking forward to the play by play at drinks before the ball tomorrow

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Also Sirius you’re playing Halsey aren’t you?

My floor is SHAKING from the sound

 

**Sirius Black**

WE ARE THE NEW AMERICANA

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

HIGH ON LEGAL MARIJUANA

 

** Sirius Black **

RAISED ON BIGGIE AND NIRVANA

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

can’t believe you got in a fight wen I was at wrk

 

**Sirius Black**

PETER. 

THE FLOW.

 

* * *

**Regulus**

You can congratulate your pal Lupin

My neck looks like I was in a fight with a giant squid

 

**Sirius**

*boyfriend

 

**Regulus**

Really? 

Doesn’t seem like he’s your type

 

**Sirius**

doesn’t seem like i particularly care 

 

**Regulus**

Look, your friends seem fun I guess

 

**Sirius**

yours don’t

regulus

why the hell are you hanging out with them?

 

**Regulus**

Bella and Narcissa are family, Sirius

And Lucius and Rodolphus are about to be

 

**Sirius**

even more of a reason not to spend time with any of them

bellatrix is DERANGED

and narcissa is a weak ass bitch 

 

**Regulus**

You know Mother and Father wanted you to marry Narcissa

 

**Sirius**

god that makes me want to vomit

 

**Regulus**

Maybe if you didn’t behave like the Black family name is an insult to you

Things might be easier

For all of us

 

**Sirius**

and in what world is it my job to make your lives easier?

you’ve certainly not offered me the same courtesy

 

**Regulus**

We behave like proper Blacks, Sirius

That’s the difference

We don’t always get on, but we know there are more important things to preserve than just a reputation as a bad boy

 

 

**Sirius**

god they’ve really got to you

you know

while you all learned to behave like proper blacks

i was learning how to be happy

i can really recommend it

so if you’ve got nothing else to say… 

 

**Regulus**

And where are you spending Christmas? 

Alone? 

 

**Sirius**

with James and the family, like usual

you?

 

**Regulus**

Grimmauld Place

 

**Sirius**

well, i hope it’s a good one

 

**Regulus**

You too, Sirius.


	26. My Family Thinks Affection Is A Chemical Defect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting ready for the ball, and some cute convos between our couples!

**Serious**

ok so we have options for tonight

re: bow ties

 

**Remouse**

…

Sirius how many did you buy

 

**Serious**

just three pairs! 

here’s the first

*1 image attachment*

 

**Remouse**

Ew no turquoise washes me out

 

**Serious**

tbf it was marketed as ~aquamarine 

*1 image attachment*

thoughts?

 

**Remouse**

Ohhhh these are nice

I like the red

And the little gold lions all over are very cute

 

**Serious**

right?!

thought they were cool

final option tho

and don’t hate me

 

**Remouse**

…

 

**Serious**

*1 image attachment*

 

**Remouse**

…

Are…

Are those dragons? 

 

**Serious**

BABY dragons ! 

 

**Remouse**

Well I don’t know why this was even a discussion

 

**Serious**

:( 

 

**Remouse**

THE PURPLE ONES WITH DRAGONS ON

OBVIOUSLY

**Serious**

<3 <3 <3 

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

 **HISS HISS BITCH**  
****

I have ordered the taxi for 8:30 tonight

(they’re definitely sending one big enough this time)

So I thought we could congregate at ours at 6:30?

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

“congregate”

you are such a dad

 

**Sirius Black**

such a daddy more like

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Ew 

Literally still a group chat

 

**brutus**

monty potter, being the enduring legend that he is

has sent us a crate of champagne

so you’ll all be pleased to know that no one is making cocktails

 

**Sirius Black**

i still maintain that mine were better than rem’s

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

god I love your dad James

@Sirius they were BOTH shit

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

Marlene

Can I remind you that you gorged on the cocktails

BOTH TIMES

 

**Sirius Black**

THANK YOU MOUSE

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Dating for six weeks and already tag teaming the group chat

How times have changed.

* * *

**Lily**

Question 

 

**James**

shoot :) 

 

**Lily**

Do you find it difficult 

Sirius and Remus being together? 

 

**James**

er, not really

in what way? 

 

**Lily**

Well, like 

Do you feel as though you’re getting to see them less?

**James**

honestly

now they’re together i’m like, 

how did I not see it before??

they’ve always had their ~things that they do together

they watch all these weird documentaries 

remus likes to bake for sirius

but sirius is still my best friend, my brother really

we still go to the pub and do all the stuff we used to do

and obviously sirius comes to mine for christmas etc.

 

**Lily**

Interesting 

 

**James**

why do you ask? 

 

**Lily**

Idk I had this moment earlier

Where it felt like everything’s changing

We graduate in 6 months, and then what? 

I guess I just wanted to know how you coped with the change of your best friends getting together

Cus that’s got to be a big shift in your friendship dynamic

 

**James**

if i’m being truthful

i feel less like i’m losing them

and more like I’m keeping them? 

like if sirius and rem had dated other people

i’dsee both of them less, you know?

 

**Lily**

You really are like a family

 

**James**

we ARE family

sirius is my brother in all but blood

my parents think of him as their second son

and rem is like a sarcastic uncle

heart of gold under all that sass

 

**Lily**

What about Peter?

 

**James**

he’s a funny one

rem made friends with him first

and then we made friends with rem

and I guess he came along for the ride

**Lily**

And what a ride it’s been

**James**

a wild one

 

**Lily**

I’m super excited for tonight btw

It was so thoughtful of your dad to send champagne!

 

**James**

he’s a real babe like that

loves a party does my dad

i think it’s cus he grew up in quite like a sensible household

and he’s always been the one who has been a little bit out of the ordinary

you would get on really well with him, actually

he also studied chemistry at uni

 

**Lily**

Aww bless him, he sounds like a riot

What is it he does again? 

 

**James**

he produces spirits

bespoke gins, vodkas, that kind of thing

 

**Lily**

So fun! 

I bet that was amazing when you were a teenager

All that alcohol hanging about ;) 

My dad worked for the council, significantly more boring

 

**James**

you have no idea the number of times my mum shouted at him for giving me booze before a party

which reminds me

gotta go get ready for the par-TAY

so I shall see you later <3

 

**Lily**

<3 <3 

 

 

* * *

**Marlene McKinnon**

oi loser

 

**Sirius Black**

what’s up 

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

just seen your brother getting cosy with a girl

 

**Sirius Black**

unlikely

my family think affection is a chemical defect

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

having now physically fought your brother

i’m p certain i recognise him

*1 image attachment*

 

**Sirius Black**

good lord

that’s Alecto carrow

she went to school with him

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

what a terrible name

 

**Sirius Black**

her brother’s called amycus

he was my year at school but super thick

convinced he was inspiration for like children’s nightmares

he smelled like a troll

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

why is everyone you know certifiably insane

* * *

**Serious**

can I just say

how glad i am that we decided to date

 

**Remouse**

I’d be worried if you weren’t glad about it

But the feeling is very much mutual <3

What’s brought this on?

 

**Serious**

marls just messaged me

she saw regulus getting hot and heavy with alecto carrow outside the lib

and just like

fuck me that could have been my life

and I’m extraordinarily glad it isn’t

 

**Remouse**

Babe I don’t think that ever could have been your life

 

**Serious**

how dyou mean? 

 

**Remouse**

Because you’re you

(stating the obvious, I know) 

You don’t have the capacity to be like your family

If you did…

Well, you wouldn’t be Sirius

 

**Serious**

i probably still would have been called sirius

 

**Remouse**

-_-

You know what I mean

You wouldn’t be *my* Sirius

 

**Serious**

and that doesn’t bear thinking about.

wanna snuggle before we have to get ready for tonight?

 

**Remouse**

Literally already omw


	27. We've All Achieved Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, as the gang say goodbye to one another for Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, final chapter folks! I'm so glad for everyone who's stuck with me through this fic - I've LOVED writing it. 
> 
> However, if you like my characterisation/writing style, and want some more Wolfstar/Jily, then you'll be thrilled to hear that I will have a one-shot up this evening/tomorrow called Canterbury Lane! It'll be the second in my Marauders' Map series. 
> 
> PLUS, I'll have the first chapter of a new (and looking to be VERY long) fic called Caraway Street up in the next few days (also in the MM series :) ).
> 
> EDITED TO ADD: if you want another text fic, here's a little treat of the Marauders going on holiday to the [Costa del Sol](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18920059/chapters/44915482).

 

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

LADS

last night was cracking

 

**brutus**

such a blast

 

**Sirius Black**

there is such an unbearable amount of glitter in ym bed

but idc

SUCH A GOOD TIME

 

**Peter Pettigrew**

i didn’t throw up!

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

we are yet to hear from mary

which suggests she had a successful night with old reg cattermole

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

God what a left field choice

But I’m not mad about it

He’s got much more attractive since first year

 

**Sirius Black**

reg is a nice guy, I met him at a pub quiz once

also p sure he’s friends with some of my pals from the club

also look sharp jem

we need to pack the car

 

**alright mum**

Honestly at this point, I’m team #AnyoneButBenjy

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

SAME

Is Remus alive? 

 

**Sirius Black**

just about

he had a stupidly early train to get home

so I dropped him at the station earlier

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

i’ve never seen him do so much tequila?

 

**brutus**

rem is SO bad for it when he gets drunk

he goes wild for a tequila

almost as bad as sirius and the rosé

 

**Sirius Black**

i am a hosé for the rosé

* * *

**Serious**

boo did you manage to make your train??

 

**Remouse**

I did

Sorry, meant to message you when I got aboard 

But I passed out

Thank you for the lift to the station <3

 

**Serious**

np!

i’m p certain i wasn’t legal to drive this morn

considering we got home at 4am

but we won’t mention it

 

**Remouse**

It should be illegal to be this hungover on public transport

 

**Sirius**

i’m not faring much better

prongs and I are about to set off

if he even dares to put his Elton John playlist on

i shall yeet him out the window

 

**Remouse**

Is yeet even a verb?

 

**Serious**

i’m too fragile for grammar rn, remus 

* * *

**Hoes of Hepburn Ave.**

 

**brutus**

I’ve had 4 coffees and i’m still hungover

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

i am also not fresh

and about to get a flight home

where my dad will ply me with alcohol mulled in various ways

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Marls and I are on the same flight back down south

And honestly

If both of us make it out alive, it’ll be a miracle

How’s the drive, James?

 

**brutus**

sirius won’t let me play my elton John playlist

but aside from that

ticking away nicely

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

Honestly think this is the slowest train in history

90% certain we’ve just been outstripped by a passing butterfly

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Unlucky Remus 

How long will it take you to get home? 

 

**HISS HISS BITCH**

Not long now, thankfully

 

**alright mum**

What an end to the semester tho

I feel like we did it justice

 

**Mary Macdonald**

absolutely

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Eyyyyyyyyy

She rises

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

how was YOUR night? 

 

**Mary Macdonald**

i had a truly lovely time

and it turns out Reg grew up 30 mins from me

so we’re going to see each other in the new year before we come back to uni :) 

 

**alright mum**

CUTE.

 

**brutus**

speaking of

obviously the boys already know this

but every year i have a new year’s party

i’d love it if you gals attended

(mary u can bring reg)

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

ooooh yes pls!

i was going to say

i always do a weekend at mine mid January before we come back to uni

so you’re also invited to that

 

**Dorcas Meadowes**

Super kind of you James, thank you for the invite! 

 

**alright mum**

Are we going for re-run of last night at New Year?

Because I loooooved the team dance to Dancing Queen

 

**brutus**

seeing as i’m reading all these messages out to sirius as he drives

he wants me to tell you all that he is the dancing queen

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

tell sirius to piss off

I AM THE DANCING QUEEN

 

**brutus**

he says he’ll see you at new year for a dance off

 

**Marlene McKinnon**

tell him

GAME

ON. 

* * *

**Lily**

Thank you for the most perfect night

I had such a good time <3

 

**James**

same <3

i mean it btw

i want you at mine for new year’s

 

**Lily**

Won’t your family be there?

 

**James**

my parents usually go to our neighbours’ for new year

and anyway

it’s an opportunity to introduce you

my mum keeps asking when I’m going to introduce the girl I’ve been talking about since September

 

**Lily**

I’d love to come <3

 

**James**

good <3

did you get your train ok? 

 

**Lily**

Yes! 

Thankfully I am yet to see hide nor hair of Severus

So I’m hoping he got a different train home

 

**James**

well, if he suddenly appears

remind him that i’m not afraid to beat his ass

and neither are you

 

**Lily**

Ever the white knight ;)

 

**James**

you know me ;) 

* * *

**scone with the wind**

 

**moony**

I am finally home

THANK GOD

Thought I was going to hurl on the train

 

**prongs**

we are probably an hour from home

sirius looks like he is going to die

i feel like i’m going to die

 

**moony**

You should get insured on Sirius’ car

Then he wouldn’t have to drive the whole way

 

**prongs**

yeah, but where’s the fun in that? ;) 

 

**moony**

A valid point, I also like being chauffeured everywhere

 

**wormtail**

threw up on the bus :( 

 

**moony**

Grim

How far from home are you? 

 

**wormtail**

am waiting at a service station

mum said she’d come and get me instead of going another hour on the bus

 

**prongs**

god bless mrs pettigrew

it was a successful semester, chaps

 

**moony**

It really was

Who’d have thought

James dating Lily Evans

 

**prongs**

you dating Sirius frigging Black

 

**wormtail**

i didn’t throw up on sirius’ shoes at the ball this year

 

**prongs**

well, we’ve all achieved something

* * *

**Serious**

we’re back safe, fyi

 

**Remouse**

Excellent, I was worried when I didn’t hear from you

 

**Serious**

sorry

phe plied us with wine and food when we arrived

 

**Remouse**

Don’t apologise! 

Glad to know you’re home safe :) 

 

**Serious**

miss u tho

**Remouse**

Don’t be silly, you love the Potters

 

**Serious**

obviously

but I do also miss you

 

**Remouse**

Well, I miss you too

Home is nice, but it’ll be weird waking up without you

 

**Serious**

right??

like, who’d have thought in September when we went back to uni

that we’d be here, dating

and talking about not waking up with each other

 

**Remouse**

It takes a bit of getting used to

But I’m not mad about it ;) 

 

**Serious**

good thing I’m not, either ;) 

 

**Remouse**

However

I’m going to head to bed

As I’m wiped 

But I’ll call you in the morning, ok? 

 

**Serious**

ofc

sleep well, lil mouse <3

 

**Remouse**

You too, Sirius <3


End file.
